I'm a very happily married 42 yr old and I have recently come clean to my wife about my abuse, I'm a very open guy when it comes to most things but I nevr talked to a soul my whole life about my abuse.

I was molested and an attempt to rape me was made as a young male until the age of about 12, I thought I had buried those memories along time ago, but as time went on in life and the abuse stopped, I had some experiences in my teens and later that have made me very nervous about my "manhood"

When i was in my late teens I was in a mens steam room and got very aroused when I noticed another man in there with me was also very aroused, I did not go any further. As I got older my wife and I had some marriage problems and I strayed from my vows and had a one night fling with a woman, then as time went on I started to become interested in a male encounter, so for some unknown reason I went on Craigslist and found a nervous, bi man who was married and pursued a texting sort of relationship with this guy acting out a sort of fantasy.

I have since been caught by my wife for both, we have decided to work on our marriage instead of giving up and since has been really good, great in fact.

But I cant help but wonder because of my abuse do I have a tendancy to look for a bisexual fantasy, cause I'm not attracted to men in anyway except in a taboo sexual way and even then it's scary as hell.

Thanks for listening

I totally understand your situation as I see many men like yourself in my therapy and coaching practice. Men like yourself come in and wonder if they might be gay or bisexual but there are things to consider before coming to any conclusions.

I have treated hundreds of men over the past 27 years whom are not attracted to men and do engage in sexual contact with other men. They are not interested in the men, they are only interested in getting off and living out a sexual fantasy or behavior.

I want you to know that being sexually abused causes its victims to be sexually aroused and creates the same type of physiological sensations that occur during sexual activity. So the fact that you were aroused by the guy in the steam room and then sought after male contact on Craig's List might be your way of re-enacting the trauma.

In other words it is common for sexually abused males to return to the scene of the sexual crime in an unconscious effort to heal the trauma and resolve it. This never happens from re-enacting it of course.

The arousal you feel might be from the abuse, not the man.

Until the trauma and abuse is worked through in therapy you cannot know what your sexual orientation or fantasies truly are.

It might be that after you work through the unresolved abuse you are no longer aroused by anything sexual with males. You say you are not attracted to males in any way which might support my thinking that you are re-experiencing the abuse and not your true sexual fantasies and orientation.

So all this said, I recommend finding a good therapist who can help you clear this all up. Beware that some therapists look at all of this as abuse, even the bisexual nature of it, and will frame the entire thing around abuse.

The problem with that is you might be bisexual and the abuse is an overlay to you knowing this about yourself. Most sexual abuse survivors, male and female, experience confusion around their sexual orientation because the perpetrators sexuality covers theirs as a result of the trauma.

I know that after sexual abuse is healed the real orientation surfaces and it may turn out that you're truly heterosexual or perhaps bisexual.

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