Hubs talked with the relative who owns our land, and their past decisions have caught up with them. The relative didn't take our suggestions regarding the financial advice received in buying this land, and is at risk of losing the house/is in a must-sell situation. Hubs sees how his yard mess will cost much $ to clean. This is the mess his now-failed business (see first paragraph in my OP) created. he didn't take care of it at the time. Is procrastination a CSA-specific thing, by any chance? Fear of both success and failure?
Whether I stay with him or not, moving in the spring at the latest)is a must.
I caught myself mentally trying to get out of having "the talk" about his actions, and although the very recent past is an improvement, I need a commitment from him that he won't act out/use porn/cruise online during this huge stressor. So I'll have the talk tonight. The codependent part of me is already thinking "but he's under so much stress, and he's exhausted and this is bad timing! Wah!" but the reality is that this talk MUST happen in order to determine if I go with him or not in the spring. His now-failed business created the literal mess in the yard, and regardless of the source of the emotions that created his avoidance which caused the mess, it must be cleaned. And he wants me to work outside the house to help finance this cleanup and move. I'm feeling rebellious, angry and retaliatory, too, and don't want to help. I feel better when I work, though, and keeping that as my motive is essential.
No more hiding actions and no more hiding from uncomfortable emotions. It's time. I'm sick of being broke, I'm fairly unemployable, and this whole experience is very humbling. I've also backed off my meditation (sitting zazen), and I see this as a sign that I HAVE to get back to doing it. I stopped because I wasn't letting the heavy emotions pass through, so it appears that buckling down and feeling them is a 'have to'. They'll pass, if I take action. I just have to choose the right action.