1; How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
My husband never told me. He told my grandson's mother during a conversation in which she confided in him her own CSA. He told her of his abuse so she would not feel alone. They were having an affair at the time. She was the only human being he'd ever told. I only learned of his abuse after discovering their affair. It's when I confronted her about the affair that she told me he'd prostituted himself in his past.

2; Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes, but I could never put my finger on it. But during our ten year marriage, things happened (inappropriate, juvenile, selfish behaviors) and sometimes, when drinking, he would reveal incidents that occurred in his past that would stun me and leave me wondering who I'd married. I chalked a lot of it up to his being physically and emotionally abused by his father as a child. That is certainly the foundation of his dysfunction, but it wasn't the nail in the coffin. The discovery of the affair, and all of the other associated horrors is what brought it to light. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I guess it all was a blessing...? Now, he can heal, I pray.

3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
We are in the first steps of that now. We've spent the year since my learning of the affair working through the acting out behaviors that devastated our marriage, family and lives. It was only in the last month that it dawned on me that what happened to him (prostituting himself) after he ran away from his abusive home at age 16 was actually CSA! I guess because I learned of his prostitution in conjunction with learning of his adult behaviors of having an affair with someone I'd cared for as my own daughter, his use of prostitutes, his hiding of vodka all over the house, and so many more crimes committed by a grown man, it didn't CLICK that his "prostitution" was when he was a homeless, runaway CHILD of SIXTEEN! He was sexually abused! What a wake-up call! I'm ashamed that I was blind to that for so long, but having so many injuries inflicted, I think we had to stop the bleeding before we could find the wound. Our recent discussions of the abuse has been astounding as he never viewed it as abuse either. Instead, like so many on this site, he felt shame and thought he had been the one in control back then. It has been an eye-opening month for us both! The repair work has just begun with the help of this site and the many resources (books) I've plowed through. We have just begun seeing a counselor together.

I hope this is of help to you.



For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11