This thread fits me exactly. Thank you for starting it.

For me, it's a granddad incest fetish. Conservative looking white-haired men.

As my screen name indicates, I cannot remember any specific abuse, and I've come to terms with not knowing.

Either it happened with an older neighbor when I was between 5 and 7 years old and my brain has blocked it out to protect me, OR -- it never happened at all and I was born this way, OR -- it happened in a past life (even though my Catholic faith doesn't teach re-incarnation, I do keep this option open as an equally realistic option).

The point is, it doesn't matter whether it happened or not. I'm 35 and single, seemingly straight to those I meet, but all I want sexually is to feel like a boy with a mature man with white pubic hair and a big uncut manhood.

I have an older friend (former sex partner) who once told me that my desire for white pubic hair was a "fetish." I was offended at first because I'm really repulsed by most fetishes -- boots and leather and things like that. But I suppose he's right.

But you know what? I cannot change the past. What happened, happened, if it happened.

I have come to accept this part of me and try every day to merge my primary self-state with the part of me that craves sexual attention from old men.

I am no longer crippled by the nasty cocktail of shame, guilt and fear that gripped me in young adulthood when thinking about this part of my life. Anything in my childhood that caused me to be this way is not my fault.

While I am still in the closet as a man who has sex with men, and even deeper in the closet as a young man who fantasizes as a boy being molested by his grandfather -- I'm OK with it.

I don't try to pathologize my desires because I know that whatever happened to me is not my fault, and if nothing happened to me, then that's not my fault, either.

This Penn State abuse scandal story is throwing me for a loop... because in an online fantasy roleplay, I would get off playing the role of the boy being raped by his coach in the shower... but seeing that scene play out in real-life? Well, that's a totally different story.

I felt the collision of my self-states -- my primary self that lives in reality vs. my fantasy sexualized self. My initial reaction was un-emotional curiosity, then I realized the details of that story would turn me on if they were in an online chat room, but since I was reading them in a news story, all I could think about is how that coach has ruined another life -- another boy destined to grow into men like us: lost, wounded and confused.

I've had similar reactions reading priest-abuse news stories. First I think, "oh, that's kinda hot," then I read more and my stomach turns. I fetishize monsters.

The videos of the Penn State coach they are playing on the news show him playing basketball with some of his "at-risk youth," and the coach's body is incredibly athletic and muscular. And when you see his face, he has a mouthful of shark's teeth. An unbelievable monster. Yet with his neatly cut white hair, I think to myself, "oh, he's my type."

I look forward to the day when I can "come out" as a survivor of sex abuse (if that's indeed what I am), but until then I keep living the life that I've been given. It's not perfect, but it's the only one I got.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.