My husband disclosed to me on September 2, 2010. We have been married since 1990, we have 5 children. 4 boys(all older 24-16) and 1 girl (4 years). He told me quite by accident. Or he had not intended on telling me. We were separated for a week or so and had spent a couple of wonderful days together. After those days I sent him an email saying that our separation was to give us time to decide if we should work on our marital issues. Those issues were respect, money problems, h keeping secrets with the kids. A combination of 22 years of together that was broken. Told him we needed to be open and honest with each other. Have a different kind of marriage. I knew about an infidelity that happened early in our marriage and we never really discussed it. I thought there was more so we needed to talk. I tricked him by saying I knew more. So basically fess up and we can work on this.
He proceeded to tell me that he has been cheating on me since the beginning of our marriage. He has never been faithful. He has been going to strip clubs and prostitutes since we were dating. Really crazy crazy sex addiction stuff. After he was done, I was sitting in stunned silence. He was crying, telling me how much he loved me. Was sorry etc.
I turned to him and just asked one question.
"Were you sexually abused as a child?"
He looked at me. Stunned, his mouth open slightly. and just said "Yes"
I sat down on the floor in front of him. He was on the couch.
I began to ask questions. "How old were you", "How long did it go on", "How did it start,", "who was your abuser", "Did he threaten you", "Are you still afraid", "have you ever confronted him", "do you want to confront him", "Do you feel shame", "Do you blame yourself". "how do you hold a child responsible for such an evil crime?" "where is your compassion for that little boy?"
I then used comparisons of our boys when they were 9, 10, and 11 and brought him back to the mind of a child. Reminding him how innocent kids are at that age. How they NEED protection as much as they protest they know what they are doing. They are in control. etc. We need to protect children. It's our job. It was his Mother's job to protect him. That love can conquer ALL. That GOD can conquer all.
He began to talk and talk and talk. For hours! I found out more about him in those few hours than in our entire marriage. His feelings of insecurity, loneliness, how scared he was. He didn't know WHO he was.
He wanted to know who he was, is he the monster that would sexually betray his wife OR is he the giving, generous, man of faith everyone else sees.
I said you are BOTH.
I told him it is very common for victims to take some of the blame just because they are present, because they felt pleasure (body response) and actual pleasure (because they enjoyed some of it). That little boys cannot control their body response and yes, sex is enjoyable. BUT YOU WERE VICTIMIZED AND EXPLOITED! You were groomed for this, YOU WERE RAPED! you did not volunteer or give your consent because little 9, 10, 11 year old boy CANNOT GIVE CONSENT!
"YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME", "FORGIVE THAT LITTLE BOY THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN PROTECTED, DON'T BLAME HIM", STOP PUNISHING HIM. HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY.
On my knees, I told him about God's forgiveness, I told him that he is insulting God by walking around in the bondage of Shame. It is not his to carry. Forgive himself, forgive that lonely little boy who was just looking to impress an older boy and was victimized by him.
I hugged him and whispered. "I wish I could have protected that little boy, I love him so much and I would have protected him". everyone used to call him Robbie when he was little, I said "Robbie, it was not your fault. Not your fault and I am so so sorry. "I love you Robbie". I put my hands on his head. Touched my forehead to his. Said the Lord's prayer out loud to him. And just held him while he cried.
I ended with, "We're going to therapy, I will be with you every step of the way and never leave you. You will not face this alone. We are going back to save Robbie."
Two are always better off than one. Because if one of them falls, the other can help him up... Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of 3 cords is hard to break. Me, You and God.
He has been in Therapy for the CSA, Sex Addiction and marriage counseling. 3 times a week since September but we have an established relationship with the Therapist as our marriage counselor. He specializes in his practice... Childhood sexual abuse! (We had no idea, we thought he was just a marriage counselor)
DIVINE GUIDANCE. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS Coincidence.
The road has been hell and its only week 7.
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...
Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/
I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.