What a heartfelt post youíve given us. Your words are clear and respectful, and I can identify with the pain you must feel. I spent four years in Bible college praying and fasting to become straight, though (perhaps unlike you) I knew I was gay, was gay before I was ever abused, and knew deep down my homosexuality had nothing to do with the abuse.
Itís tough, if not impossible to change oneís sexual orientation. You may be straight and experiencing same sex attraction only because of your abuse. Thatís evidently a genuine experience some men have, and others on this site have written at length about it. Or you may be gay and fighting it. No one can determine that for you. Youíre the only one who can figure it out.
I will offer the suggestion, though, that a homosexual orientation is a real thing and that homosexual persons should never be devalued or discounted. A percentage of adolescents whoíve not been sexually abused discover when theyíre 12 or 13 (or even younger) that theyíre attracted to the same sex, and that itís not just a passing thing but rather a part of their intrinsic make-up as human beings. If you believe in God and believe homosexuality is wrong, itís hard to take these children into account. Where do their feelings come from if not from God? Theyíre children. If being gay is an intrinsic part of their make-up, the only logical answer is that homosexuality, alongside heterosexuality, is just another expression of the divine.
I donít know if youíre gay or straight. If youíre straight, I hope you succeed in overcoming those same sex urges. If youíre really gay, I hope you come to embrace who you are as an expression of the divine. Whichever it is, Iím sorry for your struggle. Peace to you.