1. How did your partner tell you of his CSA?
After being together for about 10 years, he told me suddenly and without planning to. We were having THE fight - that same repeated fight we would have once each year: Our son was about 5 years old and he was pushing me to have another child. I wanted a commitment, marriage, an emotional connection, progress in the relationship, SOMETHING before putting myself into a more vulnerable situation. He was responding in the same way he always had before; a volcano exploding, bullying, rageful with no chance of resolution. Finally, he spit it out as an explanation for his inability to commit. In other words, he felt the CSA made him too damaged for marriage. He was as surprised at the disclosure as I was at hearing it. He then instantly regretted telling me, went to bed and buried his head muttering that I'd never be able to look at him the same again. This of course was not the case. I've been though hell and back to stay with this man.
2. Did you suspect there was something wrong?
Yes. Almost from the very beginning of dating him something seemed off. At times I'd get a gay or bisexual vibe from him although he is a VERY manly man. Also, an intimate rapport never developed, although I would tell myself that it would in time. Although we did marry after child number two and we've been together for more than 23 years, that intimate rapport has never developed.
3; Did he immediately start a program of recovery?
Nope. Another 13 years have past since he disclosed the CSA to me and he still has not embraced recovery. He has not told anyone else and does not discuss it with me. I goaded him to come with me to my therapist for a few sessions upon discovering an emotional affair and a methamphetamine addiction in 2005, but to no avail. My husband also postpones beginning any recovery work until after finishing this or that project, having more stable finances, etc. The co-occurring mental illnesses of CPSTD/Addiction make taking that first step toward recovery even more fearful.