Still plodding along to get my regular life in order. I decided that making the fall semester was too ambitious. Right now I want to land work/jobs that can pay the bills and that allow that I can go to school as well.

Today I have a job interview with a wedding planner. Tomorrow i will be talking to my travel agent about meeting to discuss his new upstart company for gay wedding planning. I'd rather work with him, but today's company's established. Wednesday i have an interview to be an instructor at Michael's Arts and Crafts. Any of these would keep my fingers in the pie, so to speak.

I don't know if anyone has had this happen. When i go on interviews, especially for stuff I like, constantly I hear in my head that I don't deserve it cause I'm bad and dirty and they'll see right through me and be disgusted. It's hard to give a tremendous sales pitch for myself. That cloud hovers over every good thing in my life. I accepted my abusers' identifiers and I cannot shake them. In fact, for 50+ years I've added to those identifiers and they crippled me emotionally. Thank God I'm dealing with this in therapy (I think).

My artwork has entered therapy and has proved a great method of opening things up. I can talk to him easier through the images than finding words that try to explain the inexplicable. The project i use is called soul collage. I recommend it to everyone. Find pictures and backgrounds from magazines and put together a new image which expresses a feeling. So far I've done one on the senses, creativity, ancesters (where creation comes from), sexuality (that was one piece); sex itself; faggot (apologies to everyone who has a hard time with the word, especially pbert); basic need (shelter, food,etc.); despair; isolation; uncertainy. Real fun stuff. It helps. all this stemmed from a workshop I took on art therapy and grieving. My first collage was me after the abuse, called Bloodletting. I don't know why I associate blood with my abuse and I am not ready to look that in the face, but it must be important because it comes up a lot. some of you have seen some of these and one day I will share more.

So that is the direction my decision to pursue art therapy as a career is going. Slow, yes. I mention it here because I value any support I get and for this i need it. As with the interviews, something inside tries to sabotage every good thing I hope for.