SO I had been put this off for a while now and finally it was time for my yearly Physical with my Physician/Internal Medicine Specialist. In The UK they call this type of Doctor a GP, I think.
Anyway, I thought this was my only chance to face this and bring this up with him (my Doctor).
Now I have never mentioned any of my trauma history with him before. There was no medical reason to. I have told a dentist once before that "I was molested as a kid" and that is why I fear going to the dentist. But, this Time I knew that I would have to go into more detail and let him know that I was Raped (I hate using that word cause it makes me think of women for some reason), or Penetrated and on a lot more than one occasion and I was terrified that that was the cause of my symptom of bleeding from my rear and pain in the region after having a BM.
I have had 2 friends that had such bad scaring and damage from their childhood experiences, that they have both had have surgery, one to remove part of his colon because it had necrotized/died and become cancerous and the other to have surgery to correct the shape of his rectum because of extensive trauma to that region of his body.
Just the thought that this problem of mine could be related to my past made me feel further damage, this time physically damaged by by the abuse and again a lot more shame.
That day, last Friday when I had my appointment, I had to fast for 12 hours starting the night before, for the normal blood tests and therefore couldn't take any PRN's/anti-anxiety medications.
So I went to see him and began to tell him some of my history. I first told him of my symptoms, and that when I went to wipe, there was almost always blood on the tissue.
I said that I was sexually abused when I was 12-14 yr old and that I had bled for about the first 25 times, some times so badly that i would wear my sisters tampon pads in my underwear, so that the blood would not soak through to the outside of my pants at school. I told him of my fears that this is being caused now by some injury from that time period.
When I was telling him this in his office, I was looking down a lot and teary eyed but I did not break down and cry. I also suggested that it maybe hemorrhoids that is causing it because I found out that my biological father suffered from them and had to have surgery to remove them. I was secretly praying it was hemorrhoids causing this, because by comparison, the past Abuse being the cause seemed so much worse in my mind to me.
He said that he would examine me to make sure that everything was alright with me. I don't remember exactly what I said but his response was a gentle reassurance that he does digital rectal examinations all the time and that he would not think of me wile preforming the examination but rather just another examination and this comforted me some.
When it was time for the rectal examination, instead of lying on my side, he told me to kneel on the table with my bum in the air and my chest pressed flat against the bench. I had been abused in that position so my heart rated soared as I did that, but to my amazement, I did not disassociate, like I expected to.
So he checked me out and told me that he felt some scar tissue, but not enough to be causing these symptoms. He said that he saw some dry skin where I told him I had had pain during BM's and he told me that it was a medication making me constipated and wrote me a pre>
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"