Welcome to our sanctuary, somewhere we can air our grief amongst people who understand, people who can- and will- support you.
You talk about your strength and how you're going to need it in the future, and how you don't think you have enough to carry you through.
You have, you've come this far through incredible hardship, most of the time on your own with only YOUR inner strength to carry you through. Imagine what you can do with therapy, your wife and a great future to look forward to.
Your past will never leave you, but with a new focus you can turn it around and find who really had the strength of mind- YOU.
Take care

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau