trigger warning

I am so sleep deprived to the point wher eI m just stupid. 2am and I'm up again with the worst pain...

my therapist today brought up this can of worms and I wish he didn't . I haven't even had enough sleep to process this garbage, I shouldn't have even showed up.

When my assaults were happening, I was forced to do sexual things with the perpetrator. He threatened to kill me otherwise. "Either you turn me on, or I turn you off." My survival depended on how well I "performed" at "pleasing" this freak of nature. He used to tell me that I was "good" at it and told me that I had to be gay, because "obviously" I must have had experience at that sort of thing. I'm not gay, I have never had sex with anyone but my wife, and I i didn't want to do any of these things. If I ever think about what I did, I am so disgusted that I wish I never survived.

The only way I could get through the situation was to pretend I was acting. I used to sing opera and loved character roles the best. my bass range meant that I played hunchbacks, kings, evil sorcerers and bishops...all walks of life, except the young, handsome love interests. that's ok, I had enough loving in real life.

my therapist asked me if I imagined myself playing a role. now that I think of it, I don't know. he put me in the position of playing a role. he took my ability to say any lines because he took away my voice. No arias, no rude, brief recitatives... NOTHING.

i feel like I play a role in my own life right now. the role of my son's father. my wife's husband. I try to act like myself so that I'm not furniture. Starring Peter as... himself???

I recite the right lines and my wife says I'm emotionless. I try to stay in character, and a friend of mine from college asks if I"m OK int he head. the role I'm trying to play isn'te ven goo denough, and I'm not even able to get any sleep because I am in too much pain!!!

I miss the time when acting was something I did for fun and not something I did to survive. i wish I never met with my therapist today. I think i am done with therapy

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross