I have read some posts from others and see I am not alone. Let me say that I feel better that I can talk to others who share the same. My story.
I was molested at the age of 8 by two older boys. I did not know any better at this age. I am now 41, divorced with two children. I didnt realize that traumatic amnesia was real and I suffered from it. I noticed that when I was married after my first child was born I suffered from depression. My wife at the time had watch me change into a different person. We stuck it out and had another child and soon after that I had then went for help and in five questions the doctor knew I had been molested. A few days after seeking treatment I was served with divorce papers. My focus was on the depression of not seeing my kids and losing everything I worked towards, the molestation had to wait.
After 4 years of divorce and my kids relocating, I met a wonderful woman of whom I care deeply for. My feelings have always been there but I have had a hard time expressing them to her or my kids. I feel them, I want to but am held back. This is affecting me in every way, my feelings, my emotions, my reasoning, my parenting skills, and my sex life. I a cold person. I feel everything inside but its hidden, I find myself watching a sad movie and wiping away the tears quickly before anyone notices. I am tired of feeling this way and it taking over my life and making become someone I am not and dont want to be. I do not want to lose my current partner and want to be a better parent. My partner has left me for reasons I have stated above and my children who have become unbearable due to my parenting skills.
Since this has happened, within a week, I have let go of things, and have openly told people what has happened to me when I was 8. I am tired of the person I have become. I have changed my parenting skills and have become more open and communicative. I now feel overwhelmed with emotion and affection but she is not here to share it with. I will continue to stay on this path and continue to share my story with people as a victim and survivor and not hide myself in shame. I cant be the only one who has felt this way.