I originally became a member of this site several months ago only because my therapist kept nagging me about checking it out. I didn't think that becoming part of the MS community would help me in any way, shape or form, but, boy was I wrong! I finally decided to fully become part of this communality a few weeks ago and and it has given me a sense of belonging that I've always yearned for. I have met wonderful people here and I look forward to continue being part of this community with an open mind and get the help and benefits of being part of such a wonderful community, but most importantly be of service and/or help to others as well. But enough of these. Now I want to move on to tell you my story, which some of you already know.
My memories go as far as before Kindergarten; my father was an alcoholic and was very physically abusive when he was inebriated and I was terrified of him. At that early aged I thought, whenever i get married and have children of my own I will never have them go through what my dad has put us through. Luckily my mom divorcing when I was 12 and never saw his ass ever again (Hasta la vista, baby.
Then, when i was around 7 0r 8 y/o my older brother started introducing me to sex. it started with fondling , then thinks progressed into more involved sexual activities that I don't care to mention in detail. the abuse by brother went on for years until I was 17 y/o. That's when I put a stop to it by telling him that I was no longer afraid of him and if he tried anything with again, I would turn him in to the authorities since was still a minor and he was already an adult; that scared the crap out of him. A couple of years into this incestuous relationship, I realized that something was not right and asked my brother to stop, but he told me that if I told a soul about, no one would believe me over him, because he the oldest my parent and everybody else would believe him over me and I completely believed what he said and I was scared shitless to tell anyone.
When I was 16 y/o I decided to speak to a priest about it and he assured me that he would help me, and the first step would be ask my mother for permission to stay a the rectory with him at night and would tell my mother, it would be to help out in the parish. I am a "cradle Catholic" and I was very involved in church stuff such as: being and Altar Boy, a reader during Mass, youth ministry, catechist,community service, you name it. The point to this is is that from a very young age it was instill in my head, that you are not to question the actions or opinions or even orders of a priest, and that's besides the fact that I was a naive person to begin with, plus I never had a male roll model to follow. Needless to say, I fell prey in the claws of this Hawk, that took advantage of my insecurities, yearning of a male figure to guide me and to help me in my times of confusion, desperation and what have you.
Six months after this continuous abuse went on, I confronted the priest and told him, this whole thing did not seemed normal to me, that I thought he was taking advantage of the fact that I had being molested and after learning of it, he made my tribulations work to his favor. to this he replied "I'm just helping you explore and let out of those negative feeling by providing you with love and emotional security". Don't ask me why, but I bought it.
Finally, my mother decided for us to move to a new city and I was relieved to know that I will no longer had to deal with this priest. meanwhile, I had all these feeling of confusion, both moral and of sexual identity, gilt, self blame, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, believing that I will go to hell, because of all the bad things that I was led to believe I've had instigated all of it etc. So, I decided to go and speak to yet another priest, this one was very old and feeble, and I thought I would be safe with this one. I told him in the secrecy of confession, everything that had happened to me, and all the feeling that I was dealing with at the time and asked for his guidance.
After the confession, he told me that I seemed very upset and perhaps we should have a conversation so he could help me work things out, and I thought I had finally had found help. Well, I was 17 at the that and I did not drink alcohol then and the priest offered me a soft drink and willingly accepted it it, but I smelled alcohol in it, and asked if there was any alcohol in it and he yes, just a little bit to help you calm your names, then he gave a second drink and after having finished I became groggy. Next think I know, my pants are down and his is performing fellatio on me. when I realized what was going on, I thought of kicking him away from, but I thought if i did that I might killed and did not want that in conscience, so I let him finish instead.
After this I decided to dissociate myself from the church. and then I lived with all those negative feeling and confusion, but kept it bottled up inside for twenty years until I sought help from a professional and after a few years of that I have found the courage to do what I'm doing right now... Telling my story.
Now that was my CSA experience; my ASA experience happened with a third priest. There was a friend of mine that had just entered the seminary before we moved away to another city and I ran into him, in Miami, while he was visiting his brother, whom happened to live in my neighborhood and his brother was actually my sister's Godfather. By that time he had already become a priest and even though, I did not trust priests, I trusted him, because I saw his as more of an old friend. He asked if I would show him around the city and I willingly did so. He asked to see all this different places in Miami Beach and stop for drinks, which is not what I had I mind, but I just went along with with it. Once I felt I was getting too tipsy, I told him, I think I better take you back to your brother's house because I'm getting too drunk to dive. to this he replied that he did not want his brother to see him in a drunk stage and asked me if he could stay with me. Since I had a guest room/home office in my apt.,Ii told him that wouldn't be a problem and we headed to my place. I went to my bedroom and past out...some time in the middle of the night he cam into my room and was on top of me, when I wok up. obviously I tried to fight off, but he told me to comply, since he knew what had happened with the first priest, and if I didn't comply he would tell on me, so, I let him have his way with me because I did not want my secret out. This increased more of my guilt, shame, self blame and every single negative feelings and emotions you can think off. But here i am now on the road to recovery.
I still have an big issue with sexual identity and felt inadequate to have a relationship, but I'm working on it.
I apologize for haven't written such a long story, bit it is my story and i want you to learn about. It's liberating to be able to tell my story to people that have been in my shoes and would understand and support me and also allow me to the same for others.
This is all for now brothers!