I am astonished. Tears are welling up in my eyes right now as I feel like I'm being gently immersed in a warm emotional blanked provided by - The Universe.

What, am I nuts? Yes. But that's besides the point.

This past couple of days, as I've begun to consciously focus my efforts on recovering from csa, I am just now beginning to see how much strength and perseverance I have within me. Its like looking at a hill in front of me, and then looking further and seeing that hill is a foothill to a larger mountain behind it, and that mountain is just a outcropping on a gigantic monolith.

It's awesome. It's beautiful. It's powerful. And its me.

Tears flowing freely now.

I'm astonished that I had a glimpse of "Realizing that God has been doing for us, what we could not do for ourselves."

I've been so angry that I have put so much work into comprehending my own personal issues, and feeling like I've gotten absolutely no where.

But now, I see, that I HAVE been doing recovery work. I've been focusing on becoming self aware, asking myself questions about my motivations, how am I treating others, what is dysfunctional? I've been doing this for YEARS before I came to realize the root of all this crap: childhood sexual abuse.

I've carried a tremendous burden my entire life, and I did my best to chug through this life without inflicting pain on others, correcting my errors, and always seeking to become a better person - in spite of the rage and hurt and sorrow I constantly carried. I am an incredibly strong man for it.

"It will feel sudden and magical, but you've actually been working towards it for a long time. Everything else you did in your life led you to this moment." Victims No Longer p. 54 2nd ed.

I am astonished.



Edited by tdillon (01/18/11 10:54 PM)