Sometime after the assault I developed a fear of getting so out of control that I would harm another. I have been afraid I would lose control and physically hurt another person. While in the first hospital we did an emotional outdoor excersise on one of the lower elements of the ropes course. I was very angry because something about it was very triggering for me. I was my typical non-cooperating self and after it was over I was the first to head back for the hospital building. One of the therapists caught up to my and offered to talk. During the excersise I had taken her hand and intentioanally squeezed it to the point of making her wince.

On another day we were playing volleyball in the gym. I was particularly aggressive that day and during one play I came down on a young therapist. She had recently had her jaw broken in a car accident and thought I had broke it again.

In these twenty years I have never really harmed anyone physically except for the things like I listed above. But I live with that fear often. That what I feel on the inside will come out in a violent way towards another.

Broad statements often miss their true mark.