Yesterday evening, I was holding my amazing little son...
I tend to have a pretty "take charge" attitude with him. I am not one of those dads that has no idea he is doing when it comes to babies. When you're a parent, you have to have self confidence around your children because when you're calm and collected, so are they. It was his "fussy time." If you're a dad, you know what I'm talking about. I decided to hold him for awhile to give his mommy a break. Rocking back and forth, I tried not to take the ear-splitting screams too personally. His little face was contorted with emotion. Physical pain? Anxiety? Was it gas? Tiredness? Who freaking knows?
In that moment, I noticed real tears streaming down his face and I let the sound of his cries echo through my eardrums.
I numbed out and I don't know why. I stopped being the competent dad I'm supposed to be. My arms got limp and I nearly dropped him. I put him in his crib because I couldn't carry him anymore. I left him there. My wife came in, grumbling about not being done cleaning the house adnd she was visibly annoyed that I didn't help more with the baby.
I don't know what was wrong with me but I just couldn't look at him. I can't handle the sound of the crying. Every time I hear it it just grates on me. I don't know WHY and it is pissing me off because I KNOW that I wouldn't have this numbness inside if the abuse didn't happen. I don't know how to explain the feeling only that it is almost like a non-feeling. I don't want to be reduced to an over-emotional emasculated mess, but I wish my heart could feel something... anything...
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”
- Saint John of the Cross