Brief history - I am a gay male survivor in a relationship for the first time at age 42, with a history of drug abuse and sexual compulsion. I am in the CMA (crystal meth) and SCA (sex compulsive) programs. I have been in therapy for almost a year. I have an overwhelming desire to compare the size of my penis to my partner's. This results in both a highly erotic, then extremely negative, almost panicked state. I can quickly reach orgasm "seeing" that his penis is bigger, but then the whiplash and fall-out I experience after is horrific. I am now attempting to lengthen my penis with a traction device because I am so intensely compelled by the notion that I must have a slightly longer penis than my partner since they are almost exactly the same. Triggers for me are seeing him naked and feeling envy about how much "better" his penis hangs or fills his underwear, etc. and especially "seeing" our penises in juxtaposition such that I can ascertain there relative size. I am very open with him about what goes on for me, as well as the abuse, which took place when I was 15 with a school teacher. He is very committed and has a healthy positive outlook that I will work through this. My question is, how? I feel hardwired to eroticize something which also makes me angry, scared and feel less than. This is terrible to feel. I want to accept my sexuality but I feel like I must fight it. Even when the reality is that I am not (physically speaking)greater or less than my partner, I still choose to focus on the differences... We recently made an agreement to not have sex, which mostly makes me feel broken and inadequate. The thing is we have also seen much less tension and there is a manageability I did not experience before. But I can't avoid sex forever. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts?
Thank you, I am grateful.
My first thought for you is to immediately stop trying to lengthen the size of your penis! That is not going to be the answer I can assure you and you are seeking temporary relief for a deeper and longer term issue. This will not resolve the issue as it sounds psychological and most likely related to your sexual abuse by your teacher.
There are many men—gay, bisexual and straight—who are obsessed with comparing penis size. This can be highly erotic in many ways. There are things from small penis humiliation where a man gets off on being laughed at and put down for being smaller to men who are interested in doing another guys female partner showing off his bigger penis to the cuckolded male. This can be healthy and fun. For you it sounds unhealthy and obsessive.
For sexual abuse survivors, the reason for obsessing and eroticizing penis size can be the fact that male perpetrators tend to be adults molesting children so that the penis size of the offender will always be bigger than the victims. Consequently you could be eroticizing the very thing which confused you as a teenager where your perpetrator had a bigger penis.
This sounds like unresolved material from your sexual abuse and given that I would stop trying to lengthen your penis and stop purposely comparing your penis to the size of your partner’s. I agree that stopping sex for a while can be helpful and sounds like you already have had some insights from it and you need to go back to being sexual as a couple. I recommend having sex in the dark without seeing each other and allow yourself to let sex with your partner be purely physical and less visual for now. In other words, enjoy the sensations and not the sights.
In therapy talk to your therapist about your memories about the size of your teachers penis. Do you remember having thoughts and feelings about his size? Was he obsessed or preoccupied with your penis size? Did he put your penises next to each other? This could have become an imprint for you and you are reenacting the abuse.