I saw on another thread that someone had referred to rape as the "R" word, because it is just too upsetting to say.
As many of you know, I was sexually assaulted in a hospital bed, a little over a year ago. I was recovering from a heart attack. I had a trache, and a ventilator. He punched me in the groin over and over, telling me I would never have children. He was specifically trying to destroy those parts of my body. He did a pretty good job of that. He was supposed to be giving me a bath. He said terrible emasculating things to me as he touched my privates sexually. he told me he would turn the vent off if I didn't masturbate him. he forced his penis into my mouth. I was already too sick and weak to even turn over in bed or sit up by myself, much less fend him off or run away. I wanted to scream for help, but he took out the valve from my trache that allowed me to speak. Every muscle in my body tensed up from all that pent-up aggression and tension. He punched me over and over again, in the groin, until I passed out from the pain. This is what I remember. It happened over several days.
I remember waking up on a speeding gurney. I didn't know where they were taking me. A cop asked me questions but no sound came out of my mouth. They put the valve back in, and the first words I said were "Don't tell my wife, Don't tell my wife, I have a right to privacy, I don't want her to know." I was in pain, all over. my muscles were so rigid, they had a hard time examining me. Half of my face was shaved. The other half was scruffy. My wife didn't know, I begged them not to tell her. I told her I would tell her on my own time, which happened to be months and months later. Every touch of the medical examiner hurt. They washed me with sponges. This is what I remember.
Legal proceedings came and went, the man was incarcerated. He is serving a sentence. There is paperwork about my abuse sitting in my house in a file that I don't look at.
When I told my wife, she looked at those files. She said that he was in jail for rape. She looked at me with her intense eyes. "Peter, you were raped?"
"Of course I wasn't raped," I said.
"What happened after you passed out? From the pain."
"I don't know."
She flipped through the reports. I don't remember everything she said as she was reading them because I was having trouble breathing after that. There were words like "rape," "tearing," "DNA," "Semen." I looked at her, and said "I don't have any memory of being raped."
I continued to say that I was sexually assaulted. It is what I remember. It isn't as bad.
When I was in the hospital, getting the reconstructive surgery in my groin area, they did something that involved examining my prostate. All my muscles tensed up again, just like when he was attacking me. In that moment I hated those people around me, the touch of their hands. I couldn't say anything because I was in panic mode. I struggled against the exam, then broke down and began to cry as I realized I was powerless again. My body shook and remembered all these physical sensations that my brain didn't remember. My mind doesn't remember being raped, but my body still does. It shook me to the core.
I don't know how to come to terms with the truth. How can I recover from something I don't know? The pain was so bad, all I felt was pain...so much pain I didn't know what was even happening to me. I hate myself for not being able to think at the time. I hate myself for not staying conscious. What if my pain threshold was different? What if he gave me the pain medicine like he was supposed to? Do I want to remember? Are there things I can do to get the memories back? Is that even a good idea?
Part of me wishes I didn't know. The abuse that I remember was bad enough as it is. Now there is this whole world of horror that I have no recollection of, and it torments me when my mind goes to sleep.
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”
- Saint John of the Cross