In giving this some thought over the weekend, I came to the conclusion that my biggest fear at the moment is how people in my life will react, how they will judge me, how they might treat me differently once they know my history. I assume I am not the only one with that fear. I assume that like others, I have become very good at faking it.
This is difficult to write about and think about.
Upon processing I was given, I suppose you could call it a guide, that is not the right word for it but basically it is someone who has already served for a while, who has good behavior, who is assigned to the new guy to sort of show him the ropes. I clung to him for dear life, being twenty and small for my age I was concerned about, a lot of things.
Within the first month things went fairly smooth, of course there were the implied threats, taunts and general (inside) rules on the pecking order.
I had confided in my guide, nothing major, more of a generic statement that I had been physically abused at home by my father. He asked if there was also sexual abuse, I simply replied “yes” and left it at that. There was no response from him, he let out a sigh and changed the subject. It never came up again between us.
During the first assault, one of the guys clearly stated that by now I should be used to it. So many things were going through my mind, it was chaos, a lot of useless struggling and pleading, but I heard that comment and I asked him what he meant. He stated that "if I was good enough for my daddy…".
He said some other things too that I don’t wish to put here.
So why am I fearful about this? It is not the act, but the idea that they assumed it was something I wanted because of my past. Would other people feel that way about me as well? I sometimes feel that way about myself. Again, a person I confided in betrayed me. He must have said something, how else could they have known?
I just wonder sometimes if it was me, not them.
Apologies, I can’t express this the way I want too right now, maybe I can’t get my point across with this, I know my words are kind of choppy. I sure hope someone can read into what I am trying to say here.