You have said a lot and expressed your emotions well. As to the “R” word, as Prisoner expressed, I also took years to get to a place where I could understand the meaning of the word and who to blame for its existence in my life.

Duncan, anytime you want to use me rather than solvents to escape, please - if you feel comfortable - PM me anytime. I have found that dealing with the anger and hate, including self-hate, with the help of other men who “know” is healing. You are not alone in this lonely struggle, Earlybird

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified