One day in the first psychiatric hospital my psychiatrist asked me something that I did not wish to answer. We had been talking of the shame I felt for that night. He asked me if I had an erection or ejaculated. With the feeling I would throw up I answered. I could not look at him and could barely hold my head up. The worst part of the whole damn thing was that I did ejaculate. The rest of the day I felt like my body was frozen.
For many years I carried so much shame for many things that night. I lived in fear others would find out what had happened. But what made me want to hide in the shadows the most was that I did ejaculate that night. It took me many, many years to see that my assailants viewed that as a victory. That they knew that this would leave me even more broken and defeated. They said many things that night to place the blame on me for what they were doing to me. The whispers in my ear of how I wanted it. How I was dressed that night. How I had fantasized for something like this. And so on. Now they had the physical evidence to back up their words.
And over the years I heard the rumors. How I was on a date and was just trying to cover up an bad night. How I was in a gay bar - drunk - and was part of an orgy. And so on. And to pound those words deeper was the fact that I ejaculated. And I lived with this despair for so long.
When I did become sexually active again it would often fall apart because that night would come back with much force. And the act of sex was linked to what was done to me that night. Fear has never been as strong as the degradation I have lived with for far too long.
I have often heard how the body betrays us at certain times. I really do not like that term and reject it for myself. To even use that term puts more humiliation on myself - blame on my body. It may work for others but I find it a pat technical term that just does not feel right for me.
My body reacted to something that was done by others. I place that all on those two men. My body was manipulated just like my mind was that night. I really see no difference now. I wish it had not taken me almost twenty years to get to this point but I am glad I am able now to let go of some things. I am not saying it is gone completely but I can look at it differently now.
Earl, you bring up one of the touchiest subjects I can think of here. One of the deepest rooted shameful things I believe that males endure from assaults. And I am glad that you did. We have to break that shame and learn to move forward. We have to see that it is the goal of the assailants for this to happen in order to imprint more shame and do even more damage to us. We have to remember that these are calculating criminals who seek the inner damage to us more than the physical. The little research I can find supports this common denominator involving male rape crimes. It is how they convince the victim that he was a participant in an act that they would say was not a crime. Lies, all damn lies.
Earl, it was not your fault that your body was manipulated in order for their own sick needs. It had nothing to do with pleasure, desire or participation on your part. That eighteen year old young man did not have free will that night. Neither did his body. Forgive him for what he could not help. Give him the break that he so richly deserves. He could not help it - it was not his fault.
Edited by prisonerID (09/18/10 09:35 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar
Broad statements often miss their true mark.