Hello dear friends and foes,
both of which I want and need in my life. Each of whom shines a light on parts of me that the other will avoid. I guess that is why Iím here. The other night I flipped the switch to MS and cut and ran. I was hurt, scared, embarrassed, angry, and, and, andÖ.. So I ran. I was running, eyes focused on nothing except the finish line. Not a bad thing if there was a finish line to be truly focused on. But in this case it was a mirage of promise never intended to be given or arrived at. But at that moment I wasnít able to see the false crossing. All I knew was I was alone, (just the way I wanted it) and running fucking hard. Then shit, next thing I knew there were a couple of you catching up with me, via a different trail and accompanying me on my run to nowhere. Not trying to stop my escape, or tripping me, only letting me know I was not alone and that as soon as I was ready I could stop and talk and they would listen. So I kept running but not as fast and not as alone. I guess Iím stopped and looking at where I am and why I ran. I donít have the answer for Iím so damned blind to this fear of silence I have. I see the movements around me and Iím convinced there should be noise. So I interpret this perceived void in the way that my rapists want me to Ė that Iím insignificant and no one will come to my rescue. And at that moment in time they were right. For they saw me as useless and no one knew to come to my aid. So now Iím left to translate that in current events in my life. I hate them (the two who raped me) for introducing this self unimportance, I wrestle with. I donít want to hate anyone and before I showed it to others I choose do what I did that night. Run! Hide in my bushes. Then I look around to see if anyone notices or cares. Interestingly enough, when someone does speak to me letting me know they understand and care I hear other voices, their voices, saying different things so I shut down. During this time I know I should hear what friends and foes alike are telling me and and try to understand their words but Iím only able to see lips moving with no sounds reaching my ears.
Iím lost and donít know what to do. So Iím going to be quiet (to someís relief) and listen. Iím here - not running Ė I guess Iím just trying to learn how to read lips.
Balanced (My goal)
There is symmetry