i dont get it anymore. Im thinking about everything, even about this stupid forum. How the hell do i know that anybody out there is really a survivor, not just another perp? Almost everybody here has something about them that makes me very uncomfortable, be it religion, strange remarks, severe splitting. To the best of my knowledge, i dont have any thing wrong in my mind except this horrible, nagging doubt that everything I try is pointless.
My memory wont come. I know something happened, but i dont know what. I have little hints of other things, like comments about my body from my mother, huge gaps of memory. But it wont come. I dont know how to confront my mother if i dont know what she has done. Until i confront her, i will never own my life.
I am freaked out by how little of my childhood i remember. How much more fucked up can life get than being able to remember getting raped by your brother? whats so bad my mind just decided it was going to forget most of my childhood?
More great news. I like my landlord, hes seems okay. But hes dying. How do i keep hopping from one damn drama to the next? My life just continues to be filled with one event after another. Maybe it is selfish, but i dont care. Where am i going to live if he dies? Why do i meet this person just to watch him pass away in a few years?
Im still terrified i might have been involved in ritualistic abuse. But if its something i have to remember to see the truth, then damn it! Im Willing! But it just wont come. My head hurts, my body aches, im tired all the time, everything points to more of the same, but nothing comes.
Most of the time i just feel heavy. like there is this huge weight on my back. It makes my hand feel like lead when im trying to draw, it makes me feel like a slug when i cant figure out what to do today. And i know its because im shouldering the secret of what hapened to me, because i have to bear the burdan of exposing the truth, and if needs be, making sure no one else has to suffer at the same hands i did. And it drives me nuts, because i know maybe i have to hurt somebody to make all of this just stop. I cant go back to my old world, where i was the big sacrificial hero, where my mom really cared about me, where life was normal.
Every day, its the same crap, i got to figure out a reason to get up in the morning. I have to put faith in myself, and watch myself fail again and again and again to protect, disipline, and educate myself. Sometimes i wish something bad would happen so i could deal with it, because i dont think i can handle loving myself, taking care of my body, it just so fucking hard. No matter how hard i push, no matter how much i try to relax, the light just sits there, hovering in front of my face. Every step i take towards it causes it to take a step back. Every step away, a step foward. Its like the life i want is tormenting me, because i just cant find the will to grab it. Why i want to live at times like this is beyond me, but i do. im going to go, but ill be back, every fucking day for the rest of my miserable life ill be back, and not know why.