It's like there is this urge for me to exhaust all avenues. I have always been a problem solver which did me very well in the military. From the start I sought help by using every means available. Back then I never thought things could be this bad, back then I could have related to others here very easily, but very quickly it turned into this stuff. I have fought and fought and fought to try to battle through all of this and haven't gotten anywhere.
In asking questions and describing things it is partially having to try and release what I feel I'm expected to keep silent about. In some ways I've sought to try and find that I'm not alone and that there really is somekind of hope... I get told all the time "you're can't be the only one" but when it comes down to it that seems like a lie. The same goes with "there's always hope", it's like a stalling tactic. I never claimed to be worse than anybody.... just honestly different.
My friends closest to me I just want as much time with them as I can get. I feel safe with them, that's my relief, nothing comes close to that.
On here I don't want to feel like I have to prove and defend everything. If I don't stay within the confines of things it's like I'm ousted from being acceptable. If I lie and say things just to fit in then what's it worth? I'm sorry I don't relate to very much but I can't force it.
My doctor and friends have come to tell me at times that I am not like other people.... in a good way for some things and then an awful way in that my reality seems so hard to understand or accept. It's left me pretty deprived in getting the relief and medical attention that I need. It also makes for having to try and maintain things in the gap of what can be provided.
It does take a certain amount of faith to believe me and trust in my sanity. If all could see me as the Marine I am and always have that in consideration, it would make for an easier understanding and faith in my integrity.