Came across the site a few months ago and have been watching from the background. However I have been feeling something these last few weeks and I want to know the thoughts of others and maybe if anyone else has been through anything else similar.
I was abused for a period of approximately 3 years, truth be told I can’t remember the exact length of time it happened over but I have managed to work out it was probably happened from when I was 8 till 11 years old. I have recently been suffering from feelings I have never really felt before I can’t help but try and relate them to the abuse I suffered.
I have just finished my exams in my final year at university. During the run up to the subsequent partying I have realised one thing. I have a good friend whom I have realised that have strong sexual feelings toward. However, what do I do with these feelings. It is driving me crazy seeing this girl every day knowing how I feel, wishing I could tell her, but there is something inside me telling me not to. This type of behaviour I think is in no way related to my abuse, but what this makes me think is that I never more that very briefly kissed a girl in my 22 years on this earth, is my lack of confidence with girls the result of the abuse that I suffered or do I simply use it as an excuse and hide behind it? I want nothing more that to tell this girl how I feel, and maybe she feels the same way too, I dunno. Unless I do something I will never know, and for that I may punish myself eternally. What perhaps scares me the most is that if she or any other girl were to take an interest in me sexually that I would be an absolute mess, I should have learned how to kiss girls and fool around years ago, not at the age of 22. Which in turn leads to a viscous circle, the older I get the more I get scared of trying to tackle the problem. I find myself saying “If only they knew about my abuse, maybe they would understand”, but I still have never told anyone of my abuse. Am I hiding behind my abuse and just using it as an excuse for my misgivings? Is my abuse not relevant at all, and maybe I should just suck my gut in and get tackle the issues head on and get out there and try to meet girls? Has anyone else been through anything similar, I feel like I would have to explain myself before I could enter into a physical relationship, or indeed just even have sex or kiss another person? Again, is this me blaming my abuse or is it caused by my abuse? Am I just scared? Any thoughts anyone?