I'm a new member to Male Survivor and have enjoyed reading the posts. I am having a serious time coping with an issue that has left me very confused.
I am a gay male who has dated mature men all of life since coming out at the age 17.
I have been in what I like to call a fetish gay lifestyle of DAD /SON role playing.
I am also a survivor of severe sexual abuse by my father. I was only 8 years old when it started until he was caught then arrested and served 4 years in a California Mental Facility. Over the years growing up I found myself involved in role playing relationships where I played the SON and the older man was my DAD. The first time I saw an ad posted in a magazine I responded and wondered why I was so attracted to being with a man who identified himself as being a Dad type. I was so nervous and anxious when I saw the ads that I would start to shake. It seemed taboo and disturbing. It was like making love with my father but instead with another man pretending to be him.
I have had great experiences and have met some wonderful men but deep down I am concerned that the sex abuse by my father inspired my attracted to men 30-50 years older then myself. I have never been comfortable with it and notice that some of the men even ask me if I enjoyed sex with my father. Some of the mature men I have met ask me why I like older men. They seem concerned deep down that something or someone is responsible for this but choose to be with me anyway.
Many of my friends growing up thought I was with older men for the money but it was an attraction I had no control over.
I have come to believe that I was born gay but my father was my first sexual experience leading me to want and desire men like him. Most of the men I have dated look and sound like him. It took a long time to admit that to myself but guys like my father have always caught my eye.
Some people have said to me that it's a coincidence but there are just too many connections to my real father and my desires.
The biggest problem in being in an intergenerational relationship is the future. It works perfect when time stands still and the Son stays the Son and Dad stays the Dad but time changes and both fade into a gray area. I fear that in time I will no longer be the SON and be too old to play the role. I will be forced start seeing myself as a DAD seeking other DADS. Very confusing and lonely at times.
Is anyone else out there dealing with these issues and how do you cope with it?
Edited by PSGuy760 (03/09/10 07:33 PM)