First of all let me say that I am glad I found this site. I have always known that I was not alone, but it is good to be sure. Well...let me all began, for me, when my parents got divorced. I was 10 years old. Up until then I can remember having a really good relationship with my older brother. He was 3 years older than me. I really looked up to him and wanted him to like me.

After my folks got divorced, my mother moved me, my brother, and two sisters to a big house in the suburbs. My brother and I shared the finished attic as one big room. Our individual "rooms" were separated by a long hallway and a bathroom. I remember thinking how much fun we would have being this secluded. I, foolishly, thought it wold be like a clubhouse.

Form the very beginning, I was very scared in the house. It was always something: the wind, the creaking...something. Well, one night I heard what I thought was a monster of some kind and ran into my brother's room. I asked him if I could sleep with him. He reluctantly agreed. I remember waking up that night with him grinding on me. I had no idea what he was doing. His pace increased and he eventually finished. I thougth he was play wreslting with me. I was shocked when over the next few weeks he invited me to sleep with him. Every night it was the same thing. About three weeks in, however, he told me that he wanted to try something. He took out his dick and asked me to touch it. I remember being amazed at its size. I was also interested in his pubic hair. In fact I was jealous. He instructed me how he wanted me to handle him. That night I jerked him until he came. To be honest, I thought it was pretty cool.

That is how it all began. Me thinking I was part of some secret club with him. I didn't mind doing it. Because it made him happy and he was nice to me. He called it my "brotherly duties." This continued for a few weeks. as we progressed, he kept asking me to put it in my mouth. I was not willing to do this because I thought I would get salmonella...I didn't know. He became more and more insistent, but I kept refusing.

then came his birthday. He convinced me that I had to give him a blowjob for his birthday. I remember the special attention he gave me that whole day. How he said that it would make me the best brother in the world. How happy it would make him. So that night I went between his legs and gave him one. I still remember the smell. I remember that most of all. I told him that I didn't want him to finish in my mouth, and he didn't. When I was done, he tousled my hair and told me that I was the coolest. I went to bed that night happy to have done it that one time because it made him happy. I woke up the next morning with his boner in my face. He smiled at me and said 'Please?" and I did it again. He finished in his hand and bounced away to school.

This soon became our new arraignment. He would be nice to me and tell me how cool I was. He would spend time with me and take me place. And at night, I would suck his dick. During this time my brother started doing drugs and getting into trouble at school. I thought that his new bad attitude made him cooler. The time we spent together, I thought, made me cooler.That soon changed the first night I told him I didn't want to blow him. He slapped me across the face and grabbed me by the hair. He told me that it was my "Brotherly Duty." He told me that if I didn't he would kill me. I looked into hi eyes, and believed him. that night it went form something I did for him to something he did to me. that night he was violent and came in my mouth. He told me that is what I got for "fucking around."

things progressed after that. He became abusive and I was frightened of him. the only thing that seemed to placate him was me servicing him. There were time I tried to fight him, especially when the sodomy began, but he would just overpower me. this made me feel even worse. I figured it would be better to let him than to be raped. SO I stopped even fighting. That was the next 4 years of my life. I was an ordinary kid, did well in school, scored with girls, played sports...the whole thing. I just had one secret, at might I would be on my knees with my brothers dick in my mouth or bent over getting fucked. If I tried to fight, he would kick my ass and then do it anyway. i thought people could smell it on me. I was ashamed.

That is what makes me the maddest. How he made it something I was ashamed of., I mean I was terrified that we would be caught. I would be the one to turn on the radio so that the noises of our encounters couldn't be heard. I was the one who kept one ear open so no one would walk in on me sucking dick. Terrified that someone would walk in on him fucking me. Horrified that he would tel someone of what we were doing. Like I should be the one ashamed. He didn't even have to worry about it. He made me his bitch...and I felt terrible. I hate how I felt like I was culpable. It's one thing to be treated like a rag and called names and beaten. It's another for your whole life to revolve around covering up your abuse.

Thanks for letting me share. i am married now with three kids and have a happy life. My brother lives in another state and I don't see him much. but sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about his weight on me. And I hate him all over again.