My name is Barbi because I am a transsexual. I was abused by my mother almost from birth to the age of sixteen. My parents were both into the bondage,S&M and fetish scene. My father divorced her when I was about two years old. The divorce was because she was unstable in many ways and he had an attack of guilt over his own fetishes. My mother had been working as a dominatrix when they met.

My first memories are of her flying into rages about how much she hated men and boys. I would be screamed at, whipped with a strap and told that I was nothing but misery for her. I was disgusting and worthless. At bedtime each night she would come into my room wearing satin lingerie and gloves and tickle my face with satin ribbons while smoking cigarettes. She would tell me she could love me if I were a girl. Before long she putting me in make up, wigs and pink satin party dresses. She told me I was her gorgeous little satin doll and now she could love me. Instead of yelling at me she would spend hours massaging me with bridal satin and masturbating me. She called those massages pleasurings. Over those first few years she introduced me to leather fetishism, bondage, tickle torture and oral sex.

Before I was to begin school she drilled it into my head that I could never tell anyone what she was doing or I would be taken from her. I was to behave like the other boys. She told me if I told she would never love me with satin again. I never told. Over the years it went on the abuse always had ritualistic elements. She never touched me unles wearing, leather, satin or latex gloves and it always started with her smoking a cigarette. Despite testing years ahead of my grade level I did very poorly in school. The regular boys clothing I would wear to school felt like steel wool on my skin compared to the satins I got to wear at home. I was always day dreaming and spaced out. I had few friends and as I reached my teens I didn't even bother trying to meet or date girls. What was the point? Only "Leather Mommy", or "Satin Mommy" could give me what I needed.

There was a major scare when I was thirteen. My mother had to go for an abortion. I am pretty sure I got her pregnant. The summer I turned sixteen was the last summer I spent as her satin doll. That September she had a hystersectomy and it changed her. It all came to a stop. She threw away all the satin and leather and told me it was never to be spoken of again.

I was a complete mess when it all stopped. If I tried to bring it all up she would just get a dazed look in her eyes and change the subject. Fot the first time I began making some friends at school. The wrong type of friends and began drinking, smoking pot and even doing acid. I also began spending any money I got on satin, gloves,lingerie, nylons and fetish porn. I just hid it all under my bed.

Just after I graduated High School I went out with some friends to a bar and got waisted on 151 rum. I must have passed out because I came around in a strange mans bed having gay sex. I was in shock at what I had done and began walking many miles towards home. When I made it home mid morning the next day my fathers car was in the driveway. I walked in to find my mother and father standing next to my entire collection of satin and fetish porn laid out on the living room floor. He punched me out and left as my mother put it all in garbage bags. She was smirking like it was some big joke. Something broke inside me that day. I just buried it all and tried to go on with my life.

After that day I guess my mother felt her life work was complete. She sold the house and exiled herself to a trailer on 16 acres of land in rural PA. I went on to drink a lot and flunk out of college. I ended up with no choice but to head to PA and stay with her as I looked for work. I found a job at an adult bookstore up in the mountains that came with a room in the back. I worked there three years and was almost asexual while there. In my mid twenties I became a press operator for a newspaper. I began spending every spare cent buying satin and leather. I began to visit massage parlours where the girls called me the "satin man". I also started making trips to the dungeons of NYC where I would visit leather doms and call them mommy. The doms I saw all said I had the most perverted imagination they ever saw. I despised myself for having what I thought of as sick fetish fantasies about my own mother.

In my early thirties my compulsions got worse. I tried to start a fetish wear business but just ended up dressing in the merchandise. I took some photos of myself in full drag and began running ads as a shemale dominatrix. I actually looked good enough that soon I was making great money. I even worked in Manhatten for a year at a dungeon. I was making incredible money but was so stressed I quit. Once I left NYC I started a pay site. The kinky adventures of Barbi Satin. I was one of the only hetero shemale porn stars alive. Over the past eleven years of running the site I ended up in two serious relationships with two of the women I did photo shoots with. I fell head over heels in love with these two women. They both had severe mental problems and both of them had fathers who had abused them. Both relationships were disaters.

My mother passed away three and a half years ago. It took me until last week to bring myself to go into her bedroom and clear it out. As I said for years I despised myself for my sick "mommy" fantasies.

Her dresser contained just normal clothing. The closet just had the normal things you would expect. The three drawers built into the back wall were stuffed full of mementos from my childhood. I found a set of vintage Scintilla pink satin sheets, her leather corset, several pairs of long kid leather and satin gloves, her plastic panties and one of the satin dresses I would wear for her. She also kept a few of the little heart shaped ring bearer pillows I would bring her her cigerettes on. Several plastic bags full of lip stick stained cigarette butts and even the punishment enema bag with a bar of old Ivory soap no less. When I found the pom poms made of satin ribbons and bows she used to tickle torture me I ran to the bathroom and puked. The last thing I found was the Crucifix that hung above her bed. She always said, "Jesus never helped me when my daddy played and he won't help you".

I guess what prompted me to join here is the fact that I now know it was real. I know she was Schizophrenic. I know she was a true case of multiple personality disorder as well. Leather mommy and satin mommy were not the same person. Leather mommy was cruel, sarcastic and a total evil, sick sadist. Satin mommy was my angel. Leather Mommy was hell on earth and I had to degrade myself before her in ways to disgusting to write about.

In the 1960's there were only a few underground newspapers that dealt with kink and fetish and mother advertised in them. In 1967 when I was just seven years old she met "Roberta" as a client. Roberta was a transvestite who confessed to being a pedophile to her. Mom ended up with a lot of Roberts pay checks and I did the work.

Of all the things I found the plastic panties were the worst. She would wear them starting about a month before summer vacation would start. She would not wash her vagina or anus for over a month. I would have to perform cunnilingus and analingus on leather mommy to earn the pleasures of satin mommy.

That's about it. I don't know how to deal with all this. I just know I have to try. I am going on 50 years old. I just want to feel normal for once in my life.

Edited by ModTeam (11/04/09 04:36 AM)
Edit Reason: add trigger warning