When I see someone I am attracted to and on some days this is frequent. I immediately focus on the anatomy that seems to draw me. Sometimes it is the knees, Sometimes it is the face or hands. Sometimes it is the eyes alone.

I am examining this like an equation. If I start the equation and follow it out to it logical conclusion what would be the sum, the end result?

Suppose just for the sake of argument that I were to “hook up” with that particular individual. Suppose they were amendable to my exploring of their body parts that have grabbed my attention? What would I take away from that experience? What if I could actually touch the knees, kiss the neck, etc.? Would I be better off? Would I care about that individual as a person or would I just be feeding my own need?

Honestly I have to conclude so far that I would only be comforting myself with touch and lust. Not a comforting prospect to think of myself that way. I do care about individuals and other people I meet but there is a need and hunger in me for the sensual. After the act sometimes I do not wish to be around the person anymore because they remind me of my baser self and the betrayal of my vow and commitment to heal. I find I am tending to treat them as objects. Sex toys without personality or personhood at all and I despise myself for feeling that way.

On the other hand if it is someone that I am emotionally attracted to the equation resolves differently. There is a sexual or sensual component as always but I am more interested in the emotional connection however, that is to say, interested in them as a person. This makes it harder for me connect physically. Here’s why.

I grew up being taught that sex was not talked about in polite company. I was not officially taught about sex at all. Unofficially Dad by behavior instructed me that sex was ok between males but only ok with females in marriage. Through many acts and incidents it came to be understood by me that this was not nice but ok as long as no one knew about it. Very confusing but the unstated rule was that if you liked someone and cared about them you did not have sex with them and if you did you did not talk about it.

I knew I was attracted and liked my wife a lot. Love? I had no idea what that was. I knew it was ok to have sex with her after we were married but understood it was inappropriate to be discussed and therefore shameful. Eventually this led to a very conflicting emotion of “I like you but you want me to do what with you???”. I did not articulate it that way but that was actually the emotion I felt. I would perform but always felt embarrassed and ashamed at what I thought she might be feeling about me afterwards. Of course eventually I became more interested in cuddling and snuggling than in sex. Which of course confused and frustrated my wife.

I could have sex with males at the drop of a hat, or pants. To have sex with my own loving adoring wife however was awkward. I really cared about her. I did not want her to see that base lustful side of me as that was just wrong and she would think I was some really nasty person to want to perform those things with her.
I remember trying something that I will not describe here one night. After it was over she asked if I like doing that. I was ashamed to say yes so I simply gave a non committal “Sure, I guess.” To which she said “Well, it didn’t do anything for me.”

I was mortified. My fears were confirmed. I was a pervert and now she knew it. The joy of our sex life ended there and it was with a fair amount of difficulty that I was able to push past that feeling and continue our sex life on a much reduced frequency. Which I am sure had a great deal to do with losing my wives.

Edited by Freedom49 (05/20/09 10:36 PM)
Edit Reason: grammer