I just woke up worried for all the things I have in my head. When it comes to say what I feel, I just don’t find the accurate words but now I’ll try to be very clear.
I was first diagnosed Schizophrenia, but doctors said it was not an accurate diagnosis. I seem to have Schizoid Personality Disorder, with some symptoms of schizophrenia, psychastenia, and avoidant personality disorder.
I had many therapies, since my abuse, then again when I was 18 because couldn’t go out to the street for frequent paranoid episodes, and then now that I’m 22 with the EMDR thing. I started taking Prozac, once a day and Alprazolam (benzodiazepines) to be able to sleep at nights.
After EMDR I started having hallucinations with a little kid (which is not more that my unresolved memories). I cannot sleep or walk in the darkness; I talk to him and write a lot. When I feel his presence I get very scared, his appearance is terrible; he’s dirty and white, as dead people. :S. What did my T tell me about this? Oh yeah, I’m gonna have you read some photocopies!
With EMDR I also started feeling an extra sensitiveness in my abuse affected areas, such as... well.. you know. It was uncomfortable for me to walk, I had to always sit down and let it pass. Also, I could smell things from the past. They prescribed me Ignatia, (another medication) 10 globes a day 200CH. It was killing me! I had laughter attacks followed by strong depression, great desires to blame everybody for all this, and specially feeling angry because all this is just unfair. They reduced the doses and couldn’t take it either. I’m not taking medications at the moment.
I hear voices in my head and believe my brain is split in 2. I mentally fight with everybody. My plans are to have a coffee outside, alone, and daydream as much as possible.
About the Schizoid thing, I just don’t desire to be close to others. When my friends go to the beach I don’t like all that noise, “the so-called fun stuff”, my friend for example is looking for the girl he likes on her bathing suit, there are beers and music. When I go to the beach I think about “The Dialogue between the seas and the Wind” aka “Le dialogue de la vent et la mer” which is a masterpiece of Debbusy, classic music. I think about the oxygen on the crests of the waves, and the differences between Neptune and Poseidon. I just don’t seem to care about the girl over there, or what are my friends doing. I find it annoying when they excessively talk about “I kissed someone and she told me that..” or “He is dating her..” or “She’s cheating on me so I’ll cheat on her” and other crap. I consider myself straight, but that node in my brain to “want certain things” and go on, is completely missing.
I am sure of this already; I mean, I cannot feel. I feel a big hole, a piece that was taken away. What should I do? – Btw, I am also unable to cry.
PD: Some other symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder
• lacking assertiveness
• feeling inferior and an outsider in life
• alternately feeling empty robot-like and full of omnipotent, vengeful fantasies
• hidden grandiosity
• exquisitely sensitive
• deeply curious about others
• hungry for love
• envious of others' spontaneity
• intensely needy of involvement with others
• capable of excitement with carefully selected intimates
• Secret voyeuristic interests
• vulnerable to erotomania
• autistic thinking
• fluctuations between sharp contact with external reality and hyperreflectiveness about the self
• asexual, sometimes celibate
• free of romantic interests
• averse to sexual gossip and innuendo
• vulnerable to esoteric movements owing to a strong need to belong
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.The Round Table
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