i first began seeking help for sexual addiction, and while searching for the roots of it, i uncovered the molestation. i guess i kind of backed into the memories while working on compulsive masturbation and porn use. after three years, i have concluded that the addictions are a symptom of other problems. to escape life, many abused people turn to sex, drugs or other means of numbing themselves.

unfortunately for me, the sexual problems were only the tip of the iceburg. i also learned to run to sex to avoid confrontations, and now struggle to express my emotions and needs. i think as far as hurting my partners this has done far more damage than the masturbation and porn. marriage by nature needs intamacy on all levels. when you close your life off from your mate to hide this addiction and abuse, you undermine your marriage (relationship). you can never get really close and attached. it become frustrating for your mate, and they eventually leave.

the key for me was defining a healthy sex life, and then setting bounderies to live by. i think expecting yourself to never again masturbate is unreasonable. you set yourself up for failure, and failure brings guilt and shame and then the need to escape again. if you can establish a place where instead of being a negative, it becomes a healthy tool, it breaks that cycle.

my personal view goes like this. as mates we are to meet one another's needs. by masturbating i am robbing my mate of something that should be hers. so now, i have a standing rule that i only masturbate after making a real effort to be intimate with my wife. this meets her needs as i lavish affection and attention on her, and then if it doesnt turn sexual, i masturbate with a clear conscience. at that point, it becomes an extension of something healthy. as long as i do my part, i allow myself to feel good about it, and about meeting her needs as well as my own. it is all really a matter of perspective. masturbation and porn is a problem because of the way it makes you feel, not because there is anything wrong with the actual actions. does that make any sense?

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein