“What I was taught I did, what I did I learned, what I learned I became”
This is the idea that I had always understood to be the cause of my sexual identity issues. I have had countless discussions with friends, counselors, therapists, clergy and the like in regards to human sexuality, and they all seem to think “If your Gay your Gay and that you are just born that way”. I can’t tell you how nearly impossible it is to get a professional to listen to the argument “I am attracted to guys but I don’t feel Gay” Amazing how before we had the internet and all the resources we have available today I had always felt that my life was altered due to CSA. No one wants to hear that. I do believe this is due to our American view of sexuality which seems to be politically inspired for the most part. However I do find it interesting that with all the pro Gay bias coming from qualified professionals, and people who were generally concerned for my welfare, I continued to maintain my stance.
I was often told that it is social pressure to be straight that makes me feel this way, but as I grew older I knew that was not completely true, as I had always had interest in family, and would have loved to have children of my own. I often envy men and women that have family, and felt a deep sense of regret that I would never be able to fulfill this desire. I recognize this is a big part of the male experience that I will never come to know, and it brings me great sadness. I also acknowledge that there are different levels of maturation that occur when men become husbands and fathers. That in itself is a testimonial to the fact that I had potential in this life to be heterosexual, most gay men I have spoken to could care less about being a father and the added responsibilities it brings.
As I am ageing alone I have no idea what the future will bring but, even if I accept a Gay lifestyle I have no idea how to age as a gay man, it is a curse to be over 30 and gay, no one is interested in you and no one wants you. The whole Gay thing is still in it’s infancy and there are no real roles, or role models to follow.
In any event I suspect I will be single for the duration as this is how I have lived my life to this point, alone, and it is sad and pathetic, no one should have to live their life this way, it is so unfulfilling.
Thanks for listening.