Guys I need some advice please. I'm struggling with how to deal with myself. I seem to be very hard on myself. I'm not very forgiving of myself and rarely show compassion to myself. In some ways I've gotten into this pattern of self doubt negative talk. In a way it goes back to middle school and high school. I was picked on, teased, called mean names on a daily basis. I was threatened on a daily basis. After a while I just got tired of everyone saying and calling me a fag. I didn't know why they did it to me. I still don't understand why people are so freaking mean in this world. I try to live an honest life. I'd like to believe I'm a decent guy but I just can't get over the stuff they put me through. I've been told that I need to forgive and move on but how do we forgive those who have hurt us. In a way I'm letting them control my life by actively thinking about what it happened in the past. I feel in so many ways stuck in the past. I feel like I've been robbed of a childhood, teen years. I get myself worked up with rage inside but don't do anything violent. In a way I hate these people who inflicted any pain on others. I hate people who get off on doing that to anyone. Why does it feel so screwed up? Why does life feel like a treadmill going nowhere? I think part of my biggest fear is I'm afraid of myself and that scares me to death. I want all my bad past to just go away for good. I'm always second guessing myself because of my abuse. Does it ever get better guys? Does life ever seem to be more content for you down the road? How do we move on when we feel like everyone else is moving forward and I'm stuck in the past? How do I love the damaged goods that I am? How do stand up in front of a mirror and take off all the layers and break down walls and look at myself and love every flaw and broken piece that has become my life? Why do I feel like I'm becoming more cynical? How do I begin to trust others when I can barely trust myself? Why can't I seem to find what I'm looking for in life, myself, others? What's wrong with me?
Guys your thoughts would be appreciated.