Great post, Nonchalant. I've been down this road myself trying to figure things out in the last couple years. My desires don't line up exactly like yours, but I see great similarities in the way we think about it.

As much as I'd rather not think of myself this way, I'm definitely bisexual. The record is what it is, and I've had sex with men. I think being raped as a child has a lot to do with the way I continued to seek out sex with men as an adult. For instance, when I've had sex with men I don't have an orgasm. It's much more about recreating the type of sexual situation I was in as a child. It's one of the hardest things I've had to accept about being a survivor. I don't know how or even if my bisexuality would have manifested itself if I hadn't been abused. But as much as I may wish it weren't true, I lost my virginity to a man. My earliest sexual experiences were with men. They started way before I hit puberty and extended right through early stages of it. And they left an imprint that still affects me to this day.

When it comes to attraction, it's funny but I wouldn't spend two seconds looking at a man on the street or in a club or even in porn. I'm not attracted to them that way. But if I'm in contact with a woman for even a matter of minutes, I'll make an instant internal decision about whether I think she's sexy. And there's no question that I prefer the company of women over men. And if given the choice where door number one had a woman behind it and door number two a man, I'd generally always take the woman.

I think the confusion over sexuality is one of the hardest aspects of being a survivor. For a long time I hated the fact that I had any sexual feelings toward men. When I've struggled with staying faithful in relationships, I would even tell myself that if I was going to cheat I would at least cheat with a woman. Somehow that made it better in my mind.

Anyhow, I appreciated your posting your analysis. It's a brave thing to do. That's really why I wanted to respond. I think it's difficult to have frank discussions about this stuff, even among survivors. I can also really appreciate what island posted about acceptance. That's the bottom line for me. I'm just working on loving all of myself, especially those parts of me that I wish didn't exist.

Take care.

Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.