Hey friend,

Let me start at the bottom of your post as, for me, it is the most important. You said :
I am quite happy being alone.

I find it very worrisome that you would make a statement like that. I used to think the same way - actually I thought that way for years. By nature the human being is a gregarious creature - in order to survive and be happy he needs to be surrounded by creatures like himself.

No one is happy alone. Wounded boys like you & me learned that is was not always possible to be happy in the presence of others because others were unsafe. We compensated for the lack of safe people around us with whom to interact by finding comfort in our own company. As a child that coping mechanism works, as an adult - not so much.

There is a great difference between being alone and being on my own.

To be alone is to be isolated, cut off, invisible. To be on my own, however, is to be fully engaged in my life and that life can only happen around other people.

Now, let me ask you another question : If you're so happy alone then what motivated this reaching out today? You sure don't sound happy.

You were in therapy for one & a half years. Go back! Find a different therapist - do a week-end workshop - go on a desert retreat or some such. You cannot recover from CSA all by yourself. Many have tried it and all have failed. I've been at recovery for twenty + years and I can only now say that I believe that I am in end stage recovery.

Remember this: It's people who messed us up and it's going to take people to help us heal.

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery