Yes, I am currently seeing a therapist who has worked with sexual abuse/molestation victims before. Right now the process is trying to identify negative cognitions about myself to try and remove the negative charge from them, and also I think the goal is to eventually de-traumatize the period of molestation itself and the acts it encompassed. All of this is being done with talk therapy and EMDR to try and figure out whats going on.

Also, yes, I can and do fantasize about females. Sadly the trend more often since the proverbial shit hit the fan is me watching porn because if I fantasize when I try to get off instead of watching porn I just end up confusing myself. If I'm fantasizing about a woman I'll be doing fine and then I'll think "well I'll switch over to fantasizing about men to see what happens" and then that normally kills my erection for a while, but of course if I stay it long enough something always happens. But anyways, yeah, when I'm not questioning my identity I fantasize and get aroused to/by women. Also, on the rare occasion I actually hook up with a girl, I get really nervous but after a while if I can relax a little bit things tend to go very well. Apparently for my relative lack of experience with women at 21 I'm not too shabby, making out or pillow talk. Still haven't had much feedback on the sex though. My ex girlfriend claims it was by no means bad, but since we were both virgins when we met it was a little clumsy. I guess it was decent though. Go figure.

As far as if I've ever interacted with other guys, not since my cousin in any kind of contact. There was a friend of mine from a summer camp I went to and we sometimes used to do like a one on one circle jerk kind of thing but we weren't in love with each other, didn't touch each other or anything like that. I don't think that experience was all that uncommon from what a lot of other twelve year olds experiment with when they're just starting to figure out how things are working down south. Other than that, I don't recally having any bigtime crushes on any guys I knew. Then again, I don't remember any huge ones I girl either, but I def. had a few smaller ones. It wasn't like I was obsessed with them and had to have them though, just though it'd be nice if I could have gone out with them, dated, etc. Never allowed myself too though cause I would tell myself I wasn't good enough for whatever reason. Not old enough, too nice, not attractive enough, blah blah blah whatever, all of that BS. I still suck at talking to women but I'm good enough at making stuff up to try and get around it without being really awkward.

Also, I figure the only way I can ever feel better or start to heal is if I'm totally honest with everything that's happened. It's tough to disclose a lot of stuff like this because it does bother me, but how could I ever get help for it if I never spoke about it, right? That's all I can think to tack on here at the moment.

Edited by AndyS87 (12/28/08 04:20 AM)