Alright, I felt like I needed to sound this out because it's driving me ape-shit and I'm tired of feeling the way I've felt for the past week.

I know it's not uncommon to struggle with sexual identity, and that looking at gay porn is one of the ways of acting out. What drives me nuts is that if I look at it ONCE and get remotely aroused by anything, I go from anxiety mode to "fuck yeah get off to that" and then afterward feel like total shit. Deep down I really believe that I'm straight on the spectrum, I think maybe a Kinsey 2 if you're familiar with that. But this behavior is making it very very difficult for me to believe that. When I first started with gay porn as a semi regular habit at 17 or 18 the stuff I was watching mirrors one of the more vivid memories of my molestation, which was when my cousin jerked off in front of me. I was prepubescent, he wasn't. I knew I shouldn't have been there because I thought "I would def. get in trouble if somebody walked in right now, and so would he" but I was curious to see what this "ejaculation" thing he was talking about was and kept watching. Then when he came I was amazed, and it looked really pleasurable to my 8(9?,10?) year old brain at the time.

Later at 11 I started jerkin off, although I had been trying since I had first seen that happen. Here's the kicker. I didn't start masturbating cause of a crush on a girl or thinking about sex and being curious. I did it cause my cousin could and I wanted to also. For ages I tried to mirror everything he did that time he did it in front of me EXACTLY, same spot in the room, facing the same way, same techniques, everything. So when I started watching solo male jerk off porn I kinda figured that since it was so out of left field for me that's probably where it came from, like I'm going back to it. I just wonder why even though I've identified that I can't stop the behavior. Most times I watch it, I'm not aroused until the money shot, although if the person in question had the same body type as I viewed my cousin as having or moved the same way, I get very aroused. Again, I see the connection there but I don't know why it's there or how to stop it.

It's not semi-regular anymore now, it's more like I'll go weeks or months without watching it, get curious once and check it out to see what happens, and will then have to keep watching and checking compulsively until I feel like I have watched several videos without being aroused. This can often lead to 3 or more hours in a row of watching gay porn, and if it starts at jerk off porn, it often does inevitably lead to gay porn. When this happens, if I'm questioning my sexuality I will make myself get off to the porn no matter how slight the arousal is, even if I feel no connection at all to what I'm watching. I suppose I do get into gay porn, but it's very different and very alien from when I get into straight porn, and afterwards I always feel awful if I watch gay porn. I know that that is because something you are adverse to, afraid of, or don't like triggers certain reactions in your brain, and when you orgasm in that state it's typically amplified. In other words, you get rewarded for doing something you don't like by the pleasure circuitry in your brain, even if you scare the shit out of yourself in the process. Apparently this is how sex addicts and porn addicts start with being fine with a few naked pictures and then escalate to a BDSM fetish or watching animal porn. I feel like this is what's going on when I watch gay porn.

If I feel absolutely affirmed that I am straight, I can follow the same pattern, but oddly will not get aroused, and if I do it will be inconsequential, like it won't last for more than a few seconds. The last time this happened I actually made myself watch it for three days straight for probably at least 5 hours a day watching literally every video just to make sure. I had to be that thorough. Although I felt relief from it for a long time, it eventually snuck back and i had to check it out again.

On that same trade, ordinary plain old nude photos of women, or sometimes even if they're clothed, get me very aroused. Naked pictures of men, no matter how good looking I acknowledge them as being, don't turn me on at all. But if we cross over into the video form of media, it's a fucking crapshoot. I am so beyond sick of this behavior. I don't want to keep perpetuating this cycle. I did it again last night and woke up and couldn't go back to sleep for two hours because my mind kept wandering to the porn I watched and I kept waking up anxious every time I shut my eyes.

Can any of you relate to this? My molestation stopped years ago, but when you guys talk about your inner child I feel like I'm the perp now abusing my own inner child by staying locked in to this cycle and doing these things I don't want to do to myself. Another example, I knew for a fact after the first time I tried it that I do NOT like trying to massage my prostate, even though people claim the orgasms are explosive. I know I don't enjoy it one bit and it doesn't do anything for me. But that still doesn't stop me from trying once in a long while. Why the hell do I have such a hard time saying "you don;t like it" and then not letting it go even though I can't stand it?

Here's the last one, this one my Mom dropped on me the night before Christmas eve. She asked me how I was, and I told her I was down again, and she goes "You know, are you sure you were molested? Sometimes kids play doctor with each other just to be curious, has your therapist ever suggested that? YOur cousin is only TWO years older than you". My response was "Mom, after thinking about it very carefully there are things kids do when they play doctor that encompass a normal range of curiousity. This was WAY beyond 'playing doctor', and after describing in depth to my therapist what went on, she didn't ask because she agreed with me. Would you like me to go into detail for you?" And she goes "No, no, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm your mother not your therapist, I'll believe you you and you don't need to give me details".

First the dialogue. This is the THIRD time this has happened. The first was when I told both my parents in fourth grade what happening to me. I distinctly remember them keeping a close eye on me and my cousin to make sure things didn't get out of hand. Yet all these years later, they seem to have completely forgotten about it. This "are you sure it was as bad as you said it was" discussion has happened twice in the past year now with my Mother and I. She's a therapist herself, and she goes from being so supportive and helpful to trying completely invalidate or repress everything that happened to me. I fucking sat on that for 11 years and wondered why the hell I was falling apart on the inside and driving myself crazy, and then out of the blue I get "well maybe it wasn't so bad". Fuck that.

Second thing. I thought my cousin was 4 years older than me that whole time. I'm not sure if two years even makes a difference. Turns out he was 4 years ahead of me in school, but only two years older. I have never been angry about it towards him since this day though. He wasn't an adult and neither was I, we were both kids. I truly believe somebody was doing fucked up shit to him, and that I was just a victim of his acting out. I remember one time he was talking about his "friend with 'prematurely' grey hair" who was showing him all this 'stuff'. I wish we could speak about it now, but he's bipolar manic depressive and is all over the place. If I ever found out who did it to him, causing both of our lives to be fucking destroyed, I would like to introduce that mans face to the pavement. I'll never know though.

Please, leave comments. I could really use the feedback on trying to kick these behaviors, unless you guys think that the behaviors are fine but there's something else at work. Either way, I'd love some honest feedback. I'm at the end of my rope and I won't see my T for another couple of weeks so I would love any suggestions.

Edited by AndyS87 (12/26/08 03:30 PM)