Dear All,

Thank you for your welcoming messages. I have not yet been able to check out the whole site but I am really exited that I have found something like this.

I am currently reading "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. However this is was printed about 20 years ago and was wandering if there ara any more upto date books out there.

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was about 10 years old. It has been dificult to come to terms with it and I have been to several types of counselling for the past five years and I still find it very difficult to discuss it with people close to me.

I have found it really difficult to deal with my sexuality and not being able to connect peepople in a sexual way that being men or women. I love women and the sensuality of their love and the softness and tenderness when making love. When I do have sex with men is always very furtive and when I am in a very drunk state. I guess if I am frank, I do enjoy the sex, but I do prefer sex with the ladies.

I wish I could tell people that I am gay but tha would mean that I would be lying to them and to myself. I wish I could tell people that I am straight but I feel the same way. And to call myself BISEXUAL always sounds like an easy way out or an excuse. I also feel very strongly that, had not been for the sexual abuse as a child, I would not feel atractted to other men.

Previous to my brother's abuse a was molested by a neibour who made me perform oral sex on him. I was about six or seven years old. and before that when I was aproximately four I was also abused by one of my eldest sister.

I am 40 years old. I was married for 5 years but we split up three years ego now. I sometimes feel lonely, but I do realise that I do not feel emotionally strong enough to start a new relationship, and sometimes I feel that I might not be able to ever have one.

It has been very gratifying to find this Survivors site and find that I am not alone in this world.