Soooooo...... Last weekend I was feeling kinda sick, and on sunday morning, I was having a lot of trouble breathing!!!. I was coughing and wheezing and only exchanging about 1/2 a liter of air (an adult male can exchange about 4 1/2 liters of air at full capacity). It really hurt to breath deeply.

I knew i was in danger (former Paramedic) so I called 911 and went to the emergency room.

They put me on a Non-rebreather mask at, 50 Leters per Minute (LpM) of pure oxygen and even with that much O2, my SpO2 (pulse oximetry or how much O2 saturation is in my oxygenated blood) this gives and indication on how well the lungs are working at releasing CO2 and retrieving O2 from exchanging breaths AKA Basic Respiration. Even at 50 LpM My SpO2 was saturating on the monitor at 85%.

Now my mom was with me and I did not want to frightener further, but from my previous medical training I knew that my situation was very grave to say the least. I honestly thought that I might not live to Monday.

To make a long story and frightening experience sound shorter, I was in the ICU for 2 1/5 days and then in follow-up for another 2 and ER in the beginning for at least 1/2 a day so all totaled, I was in the Hospital for 5 days, 2 of those days in very serious condition. While I was in the ICU, I got flashbacks from being a Paramedic, when I heard peoples families sobbing about love ones dying in rooms next to mine.

On my second day in the ICU, I became really emotional realizing how close to the "drain" i was, and began to question why I survived the nights and others did not fair as well.
I mean, I know 'That everyone that survives, feels guilty,' to some degree, but this was different some how. I guess seeing a lot of something (death and dying and suffering), and experiencing it for your self are very different things.

I cried when the family of the 24yr old female of a car accident who died were crying, although they did not see me. I think I cried for all those that did not make it--when I was a paramedic, I lost a lot of patients, but one has to emotionally detach ones self from that type of situation or suffer painful after thoughts.

I guess i never did let go of that part of my life--one more thing to be a where of and work on. It was something that made me self punitive and self sacrificial these years after.

I guess i just want to say I feel very grateful to be alive and have never thought of my mortality as REAL. I don't think that I will view life ever again in the same way of indifference as I once did.

new diagnosis's: Asthma, Potentially fatal Allergies
Tx New meds, bronchiodilators, corticostertoids.
Behavioral/ life style changes: QUIT Smoking!!!!, avoid irritants and known allergens, wear Masks/respirators at Laboratory(my job), carry epinephine auto injectors where ever I go.
Outlook: Hopeful! smile

Take care of your selves, my Brethren!

Your fellow Brother,

"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner