Hi everyone. I just joined NOMSV a couple days ago and have been debating whether or not to post anything, probably because itís still not real to me and feel really awkward writing this stuff, but figured Iíd give it a try. I think the first time things had happened to me was when I was five and went on for a year, not really sure. Things from back then have been slowly coming back to me. The first time I started remembering it was a month or so when I was sleeping. I woke up, ran to the bathroom and threw up and then sat in my room trying to think if it truly did happen or if it was just a bad nightmare. Since the dream things have been coming back to me, itís like the thing opened some door that I had kept locked up and wish had never been open. Then had another incident with a high school kid when I was eight. Both times the guys told me that I had liked it and that if I told anyone that the person would just think I was a sick and perverted kid and would get in trouble.

Iím 20 now and have had the toughest time with dating and male friendships. I go out with a girl and get so whacked out and uptight that I end up breaking things off within a couple weeks. Then I have guy friends my age, but when Iím hanging out with them I feel like a little kid again and crawl up into a shell. I have a warped perception that to be close with another guy I have to sexually please him in order to be accepted and until that happens I donít feel really close. I donít know whatís wrong with me, I definitely donít want to be gay and do find girls attractive, but itís like the wiring in my brain got all screwed up when it comes to relationships and donít have a clue on how to get passed this. I want to be able to have a typical guy relationship that every normal guy has and then have a romantic relationship with a girlÖ.HELP! - TJ