Hi again,
It's 1:30pm on sunday in Oklahoma. I got out of bed on Saturday at 10:00 am. I didnt plan on staying up this late, but I told my wife everything about my abuse...I mean everything. And I think I had a nervus break down or something. After I got done telling her about it all I could do was see my abuser's and everything they have ever done to me. I couldnt stop shaking, and I even through up twice. It's not I didnt remember it..I did. I just never said it out loud to anyone. I couldnt cry (after all big boys dont cry). I felt like I wanted to but couldn't. My wife wanted to hold me, but everytime she would touch me the "pictures" would flood over me even harder, I just couldnt stop shaking. Ok I have had a little sleep, I feel asleep in thte car and slept for about 10 min's and woke up becouse of the dreams I was having. I re-living the entire thing in my mind...what the hell do I do now. I though by getting it out and in the open I would feel better...well I DON'T. I feel horable, I'm not hungry, Im tired (but scared to sleep), my entire body hurts, and I feel ummmmmm...hell I don't know how I feel. I just have feelings that I have no idea how to deal with. Im feeling things that I don't ever remeber feeling, or dont want to remember feeling again. My wife got hurt by the fact that I didn't want her to hold me when I was shaking so bad....it made her feel like I was pushing her away..how do I help her understand that when she did touch me it made the pictures and the feeling even stonger. I just laid on my couch in a fetal postion and just shook. I dont want her to think it was her fault that I told her..(she's been wanting to know about how bad my abuse was). And she thinks she might have pushed me to hard....well ok I think thats all for now....

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!