I feel sick. If i sound like im going to break, then i hope somebody does something. All sorts of memories are coming back. Im still living with my abuser. I cant handle this, im going to fucking die. Im not going to kill myself, im going to crack. If I hurt myself with my fantasies again im going to forget everything and pretend like it didn't happened and there isnt a damn thing i can do about because im not in control of my own mind. My head hurts and i feel sick. If i dont leave i feel like im just going to start babeling and curl up into a ball forever. If my mind took it upon itself to bury memories then how do i know im not being abused right now? I have been getting scared and blocking my bed with a big trunk that my mom put in my room thats filled with my baby clothes. I thought i put it there last night and when i woke up it was moved back. Maybe i had to go to the bathrooom, but im so scared at night. I keep thinking someone is trying to kill me, and i am afraid that ive lost control of my mind or that i never had it. I got paranoid when the ice cream truck came by our neighborhood and thought he was a hitman, even though i knew it wasnt real i found myself sneaking around the house and peeking from the backyard to make sure. Ill keep holding on but i am afraid. I know my mom abused me with a suppository when i was 14 and i remember all these little things that arent abuse but i know had something to do with it. Ill probably feel more together tommorow, but i dont know how much longer i can function. I can barely move most of the day, i sleep till noon sometimes and stay in bed for another thirty minutes just trying to sit up. Im not going to kill myself, and im not going to hurt anybody the way i was hurt ever. If i die somebody or something is going to have to kill me. But if somebody kills me i want somebody to know the truth. I know i shouldnt give out my information, but what difference does it make? Im probably going to end up in the nuthouse anyways, and i dont really care if people know where my fucked up mother and her drugdealing boyfriend live. My name is Kevin Puszert and i live at 5641 Harold pl in Westminster, CA. If anybody wants to fuck with me you can come down and see if you can push me over the edge. I want to live, not live a long slow death. I grew up wanting to be a soldier, because they abbove all people should respect life and freedom, and they alone seemed to have the courage to do the things that other people couldnt do. They know what it means to make sacrifice, to do the things nobody else is willing to do for the right cause. Then i grow up and everybody is telling me heroes are bullshit and violence is wrong and everything i believe in is worth shit. Well fuck them! Maybe heroes are bullshit, but somebody is out there looking for serial killers in the fbi right now, somebody is trying to stop child molestors from hurting more kids, but the problem is nobodies willing to take the basterd whos been molesting kids all his life out on parole for his second violation and just put a bullet in his fucking head. Thier is no rehabilitation for some people, there is no fucking revenge, you just have to protect yourself and everything you hold dear because there is no other fucking option. When are people going to realize there just some problems we dont know how to fix right now, that forcing people to do the right thing is the only alternative to a living hell? All my life i empathise with everybody whose evr felt pain and all it ever gets me is pain because nobody is willing to do a godamn thing! WHere the hell is my fucking help? I dont have any friends that will listen, i dont have any family that cares about me enough to break the silence of what has probably been going on forever. When i see my fellow man in pain i want to help, but who helps me? I need shelter, i need the knowledge a therapist can provide, i need to know ill have enough medication, i need somebody to talk besides my therapist in real life not just some damn forum. Im sorry i dont want to hurt anyone but im just hurting so bad. Tomorrow ill probably feel better, im sorry i took up so much time. Ill probably get out, but right now i feel like a caged animal. Ill be back.