I have been taken drivers ed. I hate being on my moms meal ticket, but i'm 20 years old, i have no job, and am on disability. I dont know how else to get out. Shes paying for it, and im using her to get it. I feel so helpless, but how am i going to get out if i can't even look for a place? I have trouble doing one damn thing a day.
I hate myself, im calling myself lazy when in reality i cant even get up in the morning. I finished the school and after i get about 4 more hours behind the wheel with my friends im going to go and get my license. My instructor said im a pretty good driver, and i hope this will be a step for me.
I know my mom abused me and its tearing me apart. I keep coming in and out of the reality. I hear her doing herion in the bathroom one minute then i find myself pretending its not happening the next. I also "remembered" something with my mom and a suppository when i was 14 or so, and another thing when i was real little about finding a dildo or vibrator or something, but not remembering what happened. I dont know why that would be important, but it feels like it. Another time i was masturbating and i felt like something in my reconnected or something, and i felt like i was little and she was stroking me. Why is this shit coming now, i cant acknowledge this yet! I have to leave, i cant protect myself here, but my memories are dragging me down.
Nobody is helping me. My therapist is only covered for a few more sessions, i'll have to space them out, because i cant afford to go for 30 dollars a session. I tried calling shared housing for people on disability, but i called twice and they never called back. My friends are no good for support because they all live in abusive environments too, and whenever they come around all we do is sit around and get stoned. They are completely unable to express positive support, but i dont have anyone else. The only reason i want to stay alive is because i have hope that there are people who arent completely fucked up, and i can learn to express empathy for them. If im going to be alone all my life then whats the point of hanging on to such a shitty life?
I just have to take it all and go through it one step at a time. Tomorrow i do some laundry, and try and clean up my room a little. I remember to take my pills tonight, and thats all i can do for now. Next step, get license. Call up shared housing, look up rooms for rent. I want to do more, but i just cant handle it.
If anybodies gotten through something like this, id like to hear you. Sometimes i wonder if any of have really ever healed. I never hear anyone here talking about how good they have it now. I feel like i dont have shit, and im never going to have anything worth having. But if somebody else can get through this, then i can too. I want to say something else, but nothings coming, so i guess i just say goodbye for now.