These therapy visits... man they sure bring up a lot and make me wrestle with a lot of things... that is good, but it is very exhausting as well.
One of the thing I went over in my last therapy visit was about how I have been feeling so scared lately. You see all my life when my mom was around, the "abusive monsters" held there urges down. This even included some of the physical beating and stuff along that line. I don't know how she did it, but somehow she managed to do it.
Anyway my mom worked all day and usually was home by 5:30 at night. My Dad either worked the 11-7 shift or was unemployed. For a long time in my life he drove a truck and was gone for weeks at a time. Anyway from the time my mom got home from work until we went to bed, it was the safe time of the day for me. Of course after we went to bed, the other monster became active. And all these events were on a daily basis... I'm not sure there were many days that I got a vacation from it.
So now with my mom gone, it has really frightened me because in my mind it is like, oh my god, she is gone and there is no one to protect me anymore. All I am left with is the abusive monsters. While everyone can sit here and say, oh it isn't the same anymore and you don't have to worry about it, that is how my mind sees it or at least how the young kid in me sees it. My therapist explained to me that now I have to protect the young child in me because my Mom no longer can do this. I told her that I wasn't sure if I had the capacity to do this and she said, its ok to not be sure, it takes a while for kids to trust adults and for adults to trust themselves.
But another part of this that came out is how I am really getting in touch with the fact that my mom is gone. It is like that is really becoming real to me and that part hurts a lot. I think I realize that in time, the pain will lessen but there is a lot of hurt there.
One thing we talked about was how important getting the picture was to me. I know they lived in Iowa but for the past 10 years, I have not had any contact. There is a big void there that I see. So somehow, like we both talked, it is like I am trying to connect with her in order to let her go. That was actually one of the reasons for me to go to the funeral. It's just really tough because of the void that existed before this.