BJK, Wow, when you say you have felt, "I don't deserve to have anyone love me", gee, I probably need to ask my H if that is what he thinks for himself too. Thanks for the idea.
NY Daisy, I know it is so tough to hang in there. Wow. I really hope for your sake that one day he can realize how much you care for him. And hmmm, it does make me wonder if 'you deserve better' is a cop-out.
NY Daisy - "Lastly if June's H was not abused, and she told us that her H wanted out of the marriage and he said, "You deserve better, it's not you, it's me." would we make allowances for him then or would we think he was a selfish ass?" This is the hardest part for me. My H WAS abused. But he is extremely cold/selfish/ass at times. Is it because of his abuse, or is it because he's just a jerk? Hard to know for sure. My heart wants to believe it is only b/c he was abused and that it has nothing to do w/ his real self. My head sometimes wonders. At any rate his selfish jerk-ness hurts a LOT.
I like that too : "I deserve better, not a different man."
if i may offer some insight, for me when i say to my parnter "you deserve better, i dont understand why your with me" theres a couple of things going on. firstly my feeling is of very low self worth which seems more obvious in the shining light of my lover. my mind thinks "tell me you love me" "is this real? is she telling the truth? there has to be an alterior motive" "Why me" "i love you soo much and could not bare the thought of my world again without you".
my suspicions having reflected alot on the issue are:
- I have heavy security around my soul and i need my lover to show me that she is with me without feeling obligated, i need to offer her freedom so that if she is not truly loving me i can keep the doors locked.
- yes this is a push to try to make her go away but deep inside its driven by a wish that true love will find the key and set me free.
- i have been and still can be very suspicious of my partner and i think that this is the child in me that has been hurt, i search and searh for signs that she is cheating on me as i cannot believe that she can be satisfied with me, it took alot of faith and trust to believe any of my partners when thay expressed that they realy enjoy sex with me. Now i am practising rational thinking with this but sometimes the emotional fear can be increadibly overpowering.
in conlusion i must agree with everyone that you are a godsend to this man. And i believe that you are in his life because all he has ever wished for is who you are.
I am truly blessed with my own godsend. and my thinking is that my GF is in my life because i have prayed, wished and cried soo many tears to have a person whom i can openly trust and share my true soul with. no masks. no barriers. and to show that soul takes alot of courage and hard work.
next time he says he doesnt know if he loves you, dont try to talk to him about it, love is a feeling and cannot be expressed clearly in words. rather be concious of when you are feeling the love and you can see the shine in his eyes that tells he is opening up because he loves you and thank him for it and thank yourself for leading the way and opening to him.
when i close down to my partner showing me love, i get so angry that she is loving me, because all i want is to be alone and unloved but the simple touch of her hand on me full with compassion dissolves the barriers and i am feeling love. it may not happen straight away but be vigilant, think of the times when you have most experienced that beautiful feeling, feel it flowing through your whole body, focus the love into your hands and touch his heart.