This is probably an old subject around here. But it is what I am feeling today. I am sort of stuck at home right now and have much time to think. What is Masculinity? Even having this question in my mind right now at this stage of my life makes me wonder. Here I am forty years old..about to turn 41 and I still down know or an wondering is I am masculine. Shit.

I think I have mt T to thank for this topic on my mind. Because he brought it up last week. I have though at several times wonder what is a man? Gosh there are so many way I could go with this isn't there? I mean I know what "society" says a man is....being a He-man, drinking, having sex - anywhere at any time...being able to fix things...sports etc etc etc. I do not drink - my father always did and I vowed to myself I would never turn out like him. Sex? Yes my wife and I have sex but not all the time. Fix things? You have got to be kidding. I am all thumbs. Sports? Oh you mean you are SUPPOSE to CATCH the ball? ha! If masturbation were what made a man male and masculine then I would be there!! For sure I have that one down! But I am gentle. I am more creative, for christ sake I even cross stitch! (my wife showed me how and I enjoy it) I love to sing and even have a degree in music. People will talk to me about very private things so I enjoy helping others. I don't know a thing about cars except where to put the key in! Hey I have changed a tire though.

I don't know maybe being masculine is accepting what you are like? is that the key? Shit I thought I had done already accepted this about me. Now I am wondering is maybe all my abuse happened because I wasn't boyish enough? When I got raped five months ago was there something about me even now that doesn't show enough "manlyness?"