I don't know what's up with me but it sure seems like my body is self-distructing from the inside out lately and has been forcing me to have to go to the doc

I've always hated going to the doc

I know part of the reason why I struggle so much with docs is because of the way in which my uncle used to do sexual stuff to me with a doc kit he had

a few weeks back I had to go in to the doc because my urine was getting cloudy and I had pain/pressure - could'nt get in to see my normal doc so had to see the urgent care doc - who of course needs to do all of the touchy/feely checks to my private areas (including the finger up the rear check) - and also feels the need to ask me personal questions about my privates (yes, I do have scars visible from some of the things done) related to things from my past (at which point I mentaly checked-out from the room) - had to do a urine test and the doc I seen at urgent care wanted to do more tests to find out what actualy caused the infection in the first place - so they had to take a "sample" of the infection (don't even ask how) from the puss in my urethera to send to the lab for further analysis- turns out to be a general UTI (which is extremely rare for males to get) and I'm put on antibiotics for 10 days which cleared it up just fine (suppose that I should mention that I have had 1 UTI in the past - almost 15 years ago - so it would seem to be that I am the "rare" male who does get them)

fast forward to yesterday... had to go in to the doc again - this time for blood in my stool (bright red - not dark red) - it's a problem I've had since the 5th of this month that I was hoping would clear itself up on it's own but it did'nt (I've had blood before (just from small tears - which I knew this was'nt) but it usualy goes away after a couple of days which it did'nt this time which was quite worrysome to my wife who basicaly forced me to go see the doc) - once again I could'nt get in to see my normal doc so had to see the urgent care doc - turns out to be the same doc I had for the UTI - a doc I already don't really like... - so... - he asks all of the questions he can possibly think of and then wants to do an "exam" - he has me lay down on my back and undo my pants and pull my shirt up - he checks my abdomen first (guess he was just feeling for anything abnormal) - but... then he just grabs hold of my pants and underwear and yanks them down (without saying a word first) and goes to checking my genitals (which I am NOT there for!!! - I am there for problems with my backside - NOT my frontside!!!)(I basicaly checked out of the room mentaly at that time) - I remember him asking me about the infection - I remember telling him it was totaly cleared up - I remember that he manipulated my genitals more than I felt was necessary - I mean... it flat out hurt the way in which he squeezed my testicles and then pryed my penile head open to look down my urethra to see if he could see any residual signs of infection (which - keep in mind that I'm NOT there for anything to do with the UTI) - after he was done with my frontside I think he asked me a couple of times to roll on my side before I actualy did - at this point I was totaly in "frozen child mode" - I've never had a "finger check" done that way before - it kind of made me flash back to what my brother did to me when we was younger (something i had'nt thought on in many many years) - he seemed to really spend a long time "back there" (but then - maybe my mind was just too messed up at that point to track time)... I vaugly remember getting re-dressed at some later point and him saying that he could'nt find anything wrong even though there clearly was blood present there - soo... he tells me to wait for his assistant and he then leaves the room (at which time I finally break down into tears) - 5 minutes later she comes in (I'd dryed my tears by then) and tells me that they are going to schedule me for a colonoscopy to find out waht the problem is - so she gets on the phone and calls to someone else and sets up an apointment for the 29th of this month - then I have to go to the pharmacy and pick up the per>
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History