i found this site a few days ago, and i felt so relieved because other men are here talking openly about what happened to them. i felt like a prisoner in a free world. but it felt so good to hear kind words and support from people on similar journeys,,, words that are much nicer than the negative thoughts in my mind.
i'm 22, and i have struggled with my perception of myself for as long as i can remember. i hated who i was, no actually, i abhorred myself. i'd look at all my classmates growing up and think, they're so much better than me,,, i bet they never got fucked,,,, i'm a freak. in high school, i got teased about my slight build, had terrible acne, bad eyesight and even worse-looking glasses. i stayed away from all the school activities, no school dances, no music performances. i didn't want anyone to know i existed.
i felt so alone, and so i tried to do something about it by starting to date about a year ago. but whenever it ended up in the bedroom, whenever she touched me, i started to get a lump in my throat, tense up, and feel sick. i felt like the most useless man in the world, actually, i didn't even consider myself a man. so i'd end up pushing them away, because i didn't want them to see me, or even know me. i felt so humiliated.
last weekend i think i experienced my deepest bout of depression, so much that it made my head hurt. you're going to be alone for the rest of your life, i told myself, so just handle it.
i know that i need to find someone who can help me let go of the past and forgive myself. i thought that i could do it all myself, like a "real man" should. but based on results, or really, the total lack of results, i know that i can't.
anyway, i really value the support i've received over the past few days. it's given me some hope of having a happy life as a whole man.