I definitely have a strong aversion to sex. Unlike you, I believe that I was gay before the sexual abuse; not that a child can be "gay," or "straight," but I do remember having childlike crushes on my older brother's friends.

Now, I almost never have sex. I hate it. It reminds me of rape. Many of my friends are gay, and I go to gay bars with them, but I don't think I'm actually attracted to men, not in the way that they are. I get infatuated with both men and women, though I am only comfortable imagining myself holding them, or being held.

My question is, are you sometimes happy not to be like them? I find sex animalistic and destructive. It's like you meet someone and they're friendly and you get along, but they have this whole other side, these private desires. I can't fathom why anyone would not be faithful. I don't understand lust. You look in eyes of a man who wants to fuck, and it's frightening and repulsive.

I don't think of sex as immoral. But why exactly should I like it? What will it give me? Will I be like the slutty, trashy men at the bars? Will it make me gay, and take away the possibility of marriage and kids?

When people talk about enjoying sex I do get jealous. It's so unfair, to be twenty-six, and to be denied this natural pleasure. I do feel like I'm neutered, or like I'm missing something, an arm, a leg, or a sense, that everyone else has. On the other hand, I'm proud that I care more about work, contemplation, love and the things in life that are less fleeting.

I'm not only sexually anorexic, but I don't want to change. Is that stubborn, or is that just accepting my situation, my scars? I don't know, but I can't remember reading any posts from men who learned how to like sex.