I was sitting in the sunshine a while back waiting for a bus and listening to music on my phone's mp3. I had my eyes closed momentarily as I was getting into the music and heard my name called. I opened my eyes and recognized an old friend that I met in NA (back when I still considered use of marijuana to be in and of it's self a problem---buying into the popular mindsets about it). He said "You looked like you were off in your own little world there."
"Yeah, I kind of like it there sometimes." I said.
"Well THAT'S honest." he said.
Just then my bus arrived so I blurted out something about giving him a call sometime. I still haven't done that though, because the exchange made me feel insulted somehow without really knowing quite why, and also because this was not the first time he had made me feel that way.
For the most part, he's a nice guy, but I can't seem to decide whether his condescending attitude toward me is my own projection out of experience based expectation, or if he really is someone who thinks he is graciously lowering himself in the act of interacting with me because I have told him that I have gone back to using marijuana to relieve my chronic depression.
I do know that it's very common for people who are into drug/alcohol recovery to see their recovery in terms of absolute value judgments rather than a personal choice based on personal experience with their own difficulties. I even believe that it's quite common for people in these recovery circles to end up substituting their drug of choice with prideful self-righteousness, and see their interactions with those who still drink or use at all as almost similar to Jesus hanging with the sinners and prostitutes.
Even people who are not into any recovery groups but who themselves abstain from drugs and alcohol often are prone to be subtly or--not so subtly--derisive (usually in the guise of humor)once they learn that someone they know drinks or uses at all.
I also think that this accounts for a lot of those who drink or use wanting to avoid those who don't, which in turn re-enforces the notion of the drinker/user being one who is "in that lifestyle" and "not caring about" anything or anyone that/who isn't.
It's a conundrum for me. I don't want to discriminate against people based on their personal choices (to be abstinent from anything mood altering), but on the other hand, I feel like I'm already a little fed up with people who denigrate me because of my own personal choices.
I tend to keep my marijuana use a secret because I'm sick of being dressed up in peoples minds as some waistoid who sits in front of a TV smoking pot and eating Dorritos all day saying things like "Dude, that's just so like...what was I saying again?"
True I'm not a "high powered" CEO or something, I'm not a "pillar of society" I'm just a regular guy who's had a lot of shit to cope with and considering all I've been through and all that I have that money CAN'T buy, I'm pretty damn successful in my own opinion, so that "you're just a stoner" attitude gets on my nerves pretty fast.
I have this persons # in my phone from a time I met up with him briefly before the incident I just described, and I'm in a spot right now where it would be good for me to reach out to another person, but I'm very hesitant to call him and I can't decide if it's because I'm over-sensitive, or if I should trust my gut which tells me to delete his # off my phone.
Can anyone relate?